Waiting finally became living!

We even fail at being infertile

2011-06-26T21:25:00.001-07:00

It was the one thing that has defined "us." Infertility. A group I "fit into." Until, I didn't.

I am 21 weeks pregnant, and I still don't think I've totally accepted it. Bill and I had just decided that we were good with one, and were going to begin the process of embryo adoption of the remaining three (which we're still pursuing, that's just a different post). To say we've been thrown a curve ball in the past six months is an understatement. While I am over the moon about this new little bundle, it's still just so overwhelming, 4 months later. Hopefully my brain will get on board by the babys' due date.

I hate being this cliche' infertile. I hate it when people tell me that my body just needed to "reset" itself. So that works for sperm, too? Bill just needed to knock me up to get his fertility back????

Most of all, I hate that I'm not representing the infertile community like I was. I'm now the cliche' every freaking infertile hates to hear about. Or, at least I did....

It's time...

2010-04-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

Today marks the three year anniversary of the day we found out Mary Grace had passed. Three years of time in which there was profound grief and sadness, profound joy and the realization that I was my biggest advocate among a million other things.

Primary infertility was the best and the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. I think others that have "come through" to the other side after so long probably feel the same way too.

This blog was my journal through all of that, and I'm proud of it. But it's time to open a journal for the newest chapter of my life. The chapter of being a mother. If you still continue to read this blog, I hope you'll begin following me in my new journey:

www.thirdtimewasacharm.blogspot.com

And, I'll leave with one of my favorite DMB lyrics that I truly learned through it all: "Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters....."

Who AM I?!?!?

2010-04-10T19:41:00.001-07:00

That is one thing that resonates through my entire being now. For the longest time, I was that infertile chick who was an advocate for my care. Then a pregnant infertile who walked on eggshells to make sure I stayed pregnant. Then, Claires' crazy AP mama. Which, I still am. BUT, after 5.5 months, I'm finally starting to come out of the new mother haze and I'm attempting to figure out who I am at this point. I hate even posting about this, because if there are any infertiles like me out there reading this, I'm sure there is no sympathy. It is a weird terrain I'm navigating, though, finding myself after all of this. Add to the fact that I'm suddenly a SAHM (which is TOTALLY what I wanted)on top of all the other sudden changes and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from.

I guess I'm suffering from an identity crisis right now, not really knowing where I belong, or where I even want to belong. It's such a weird feeling. I'm tackling the feelings head-on, however, and hopefully I'll find my place.

Prayers answered in the oddest of ways...

2010-03-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Bill and I moved heaven and earth to try to find a way for me to stay at home... Prayed about it over and over. But just didn't see a way to make it work. So, I went back to work. A few weeks after going back, the owners reduced my pay and hours by 25%. I was scared at first, but happy because it gave me more time at home with Claire.

On March 2nd, they laid me off permanently. Instead of the punch in the gut like I thought it would be, it was if a weight had been immediately lifted. I was HAPPY. Definitely not the response if you love your career and the people you work for. I am now officially a SAHM and couldn't be happier.

The only downside to all of this? We've made a year long commitment to our nanny. So, she comes to the house for me to run errands or clean. Kind of expensive! We're trying word of mouth to find another family for her, but no such luck yet.

We are fully cloth diapering now, and I love it! I'm really the odd person out in my area doing this, but I don't care. My friends think I'm crazy.

I'm getting out and about with Claire as the weather is getting better. We went to a MOPS program a couple of weeks ago, which we both loved. I'm making connections to other mothers, which is something I was lacking previously. Although we're in our 30's, we're still the only ones with kids among our set of friends.

Oh, how prayers are answered. More time with Claire, and a stronger support system for our family. All through the loss of my employment.

Firmly Grasping...

2010-02-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

Last year was a banner year for us. How couldn't it be when you welcome a child into the world after trying so long for them? But with that came something else... Nerve wracking fear and guilt. We've had two friends (one IRL, one blogging friend) lose children through adoption. We've had a set of friends struggle with meningitis with their son who is one week older than Claire. Friends who have had late-term miscarriages, and friends who have had children born with life-threatening medical conditions that they didn't know about before hand.

Through all of these trials, I hold Claire just a little bit tighter. I panic just a little bit more. And I wonder just how we were so blessed and lucky. And then I cry. Cry, cry, cry. It seems to be what I'm best at these days. I think there is always a heightened sense of fear when you've battled infertility and miscarriages, but to see this continued grief amongst your friends, it makes it even worse.

Please know if you're mentioned in this blog, I pray for you daily. Hourly, sometimes. It's the only way I know how to get through it. And believe. I'll never stop believing that we'll all have our children one day, and that those children that are so sick will be healed soon.

79 Days

2010-01-18T11:51:00.001-08:00

That is the amount of time that I was given to spend with Claire before returning to work today. It's been a wide range of emotions bordering on hysteria, but I'm doing it. 11 months ago today she began to snuggle safely into my uterus. While I know that I am more fortunate than most to be able to take 12 weeks of unpaid maternity leave, it still hurts. We did hire a nanny, however, so I know she's getting the best care possible, and in our home!

Just a few pictures:

Oh So Tired!

99% Nice, but 100000% loved!

Bath Time Wrap Up:

Oh, and the breastfeeding is DEFINITELY working now! She's 12 lbs 3 oz as of yesterday. So, by 13 weeks or so, she should DOUBLE her birthweight! Way to go, baby girl!

Claire Grey Evi---

2009-12-07T13:43:00.001-08:00

Claire Grey Evi--- made her beautiful entrance into the world October 30, 2009 at 10:24 pm. Full head of hair, wonderful set of lungs and no prouder parents in the world. Unfortunately, I ended up with a c-section after laboring most of the day. Never got past a 5. The dr related it to her literally GRIPPING onto my pelvic bone. there was NO way she was coming out unassisted, lol!

Nothing could prepare me for the love we feel for her. Nothing could prepare me for how hard breast feeding would be either. It was HORRIBLE for the first three weeks or so, until we both finally caught on. Seriously, it was making me insane. I just wouldn't give up though. I'm hoping we've made it over the hurdle.

I can't imagine going back to work. How am I going to leave this child? I rarely put her down. I deserve to "spoil" her (oh, the unsolicited parenting advice new parents hear...). Still trying to figure out the details on this situation...

I'll update more with pics later, this new parent thing is time consuming! I wouldn't trade it for the world, however.

Claires deets: 6 lbs 6 oz, 19.5 inches long. One month later: 8 lbs 8 oz, 21.5 inches long!

My last day as a pregnant woman....

2009-10-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update.... After a gnarly blood pressure reading, I am being induced tonight at 8 p.m... Dr. tried for Tuesday when the BP issue was discovered, but apparently there are just too many "ice storm" babies. I hate it when people comment that that is what Claire must be... If only it were that easy!!

If you are on my facebook page, please don't say anything. We're letting this be a "surprise" to get overbearing family out of the room. We'll let everyone know whats going on when I ve begun to push.

Say some prayers!

Update

2009-10-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Wow… I’ve been SO out of the loop lately! I was chosen to serve as a juror for a federal case, which meant traveling out of town (roughly a 45 minute commute each way). It’s weird just how something like that can throw you off of your schedule! And it was a TWO WEEK trial. Medical negligence. FOUR defendants. I know more than I ever could about herpes simplex type 1 viral encephalitis than I ever cared to. Heck, I didn’t even know what it was until a few weeks ago! So, here are the “bare necessity” updates:

As of today, I am 35w4 days. I cannot believe she’ll be here so soon.

I have successfully found the last foster dog a home. In New Hampshire, nonetheless. Gotta love google!

I have 22 meals stockpiled in the freezer so I don’t have to cook every night of my maternity leave.

I finally broke down and hired a cleaning person to do the house. I just couldn’t clean it anymore, and I was tired of stressing out about it. It’s the best $35 I spend every two weeks!

I have 12 working days until maternity leave. WOOT!

I’ve just recently started really having aches and joint pain. I know it’s all for a good reason, but REALLY? I so miss REM sleep.

I now roughly get up a minimum of 5 times a night to use the restroom. I hear it’s only going to get worse…

I ended up in L&D last Thursday…. Contractions, UTI and dehydration. Yep, I’m taking it easy now…

Overall, this pregnancy has been SO easy besides the first 16 weeks, which was all day morning sickness. It’s still surreal to believe that I’ll have a daughter soon. It just doesn’t feel real. I’ve made all of these preparations, I feel her kicking, but something just hasn’t set in. It’s odd.

H1N1 has become the bane of my existence. Do I get the vaccine? I’m teetering back and forth. I’m already considered in the compromised population because of my kidney disease, but being pregnant doubles the risk. I just worry about what it’ll do to Claire, honestly.

Also, my hospital has enacted a rule that expectant mothers are allowed one support person (Bill) and two visitors the ENTIRE stay. And they can’t be interchanged. That doesn’t work so well when you have divorced parents like Bill does. Easy for me, it’ll be my Aunt Sandy. But for him, it’s excruciating. I finally told them we’d make THEM decide. Neither one of us needs that stress right now. UGH! It really does just make it harder on us, though, because we will have more people at the house now after we come home. Bill and I think we’ve come to a decision on that one as well, though. An “Open House” for everyone to come in, see her, her room, us, etc. For 4 hours the weekend after we come home. Hopefully that way we’ll be able to get some rest. Hopefully.

I still can’t believe we’re at this point! I never thought we’d get here. At this time last year, I was preparing for IVF 1.5. I am so grateful for this wonderful blessing!!!

And, lastly, a pic of me at 34 weeks 1 day. Everything I wear has to be empire waist, or I just look like I have a REALLY big muffin top. I so wanted that pregnant belly, but I’m resigned to the fact that it’s just not going to happen. Whatever, my kiddo is still in there!

Gratitude

2009-09-09T13:11:00.001-07:00

Somehow, some way I’ve created the life I’ve always wanted. That just smacks me upside the head occasionally. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks/months (doesn’t everyone?) but I always come back to that one thought: I created the life I always wanted.

I was the product of a single-parent family. Scratch that, I was the product of a NO parent family. Graciously, my grandmother and aunt stepped in to make sure that I received the parenting that every child deserved. As I approach labor and delivery, I often think of how much my grandmother sacrificed just to bring me into her home. She was 55 for goodness sake, and just getting ready to enter into retirement. I’m SURE a newborn wasn’t in her plans. People often ask when I went to live with my grandmother, and my reply is always “around the time I was three days old.” I didn’t go home with my mother; I went home with my grandmother. She was a rock for me, and somehow, someway, she made me feel like our situation was the norm. So much so that, when I was taunted in the sixth grade lunch line about not having a father, it was the first time I realized that I was “different.” It’s just amazing that I could feel so loved and nurtured that I’d never known that I was different.

Since that fateful incident in the lunch line, I’ve sworn that I would not be a single-parent. Do I think there is something inherently wrong with being a single parent? Of course not. Some pull it off beautifully, my cousin Keith being a prime example. It was just never the life I wanted. I remember toasting on my 21st birthday the fact that I’d broken the cycle. My bio-mother was in labor with me on her 21st (to which she’d never let me live down, the fact that I had “ruined” her 21st birthday). Everything is just so grossly different from the way she “did” things, and I am eternally grateful for that.

I know some of you are reading this and thinking “wow, she really has issues with her bio-mother” but in fact, I don’t. I realized long ago not to give her that power. This woman abused all facets of the social service system, never granting my grandmother custody because then she couldn’t get Section 8, food stamps, welfare, etc. I remember, after my grandmothers heart attacks when I was 14, my mother refused to care for me. I went to my aunts. While my grandmother and I were struggling to find food for dinner, my mother was receiving my benefits that allowed her to live what she considered her “comfortable” life of freebies. Eventually, I learned to accept that she was never going to grow up, and was not emotionally mature enough to take care of herself, let alone nurture a daughter.

But me? I’m different. I will NEVER not be there for Claire, or for our future children. I like to think my grandmother instilled that in me. I’m thrilled that Claire will grow up knowing both of her parents, and having them both there to nurture her throughout her life. Sometimes I wonder if she’ll know how fortunate she is. Just how hard we worked for her, and just how blessed she is to have the parents and extended family that she has. Because this life I’ve created? I could have never done it without our family and Bill.

....and so I asked Bill, "whose love for animals do you think Claire will get? Mine or yours?"

2009-08-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

I'm having a very emotional day today. It's been a rough week in the Humane Society world here locally.

A local man took three dogs out to the river bottoms here, and shot them point blank. Killed one, one still hasn't been found (very likely they are dead) and one badly wounded from a direct shot to the face. She's a survivor, though, and should make it through. It doesn't end there. The man was a convicted felon (child sexual offenses) and when officers attempted to pull him over, he fled. He was chased for about 10 miles before he veered into a semi, killing himself. Full cooler of beer in the truck, along with the gun used to kill the dogs.

Who does this? Seriously? The humane society is RIGHT.THERE. Free of charge to surrender animals if you are a resident.

As I progress further along with this pregnancy (month 7 officially begins today! YAY!!!!) I find my compassion for animals grow even larger. In the past month, we've had two foster dogs. One is currently keeping my feet warm right now. I'm kind of the "angel" for black dogs. They're the most overlooked. The most euthanized. The director knows she can always call me, and I'll take them if it's their last day. It's just who I am. I'm not naive enough to believe that all dogs are house dogs, but the good ones are far too often put down, abused, neglected.

There was another dog brought to the shelter this week, Fuel, who was so emaciated we're all unsure whether or not he'll make it. I'm betting he was a BEAUTIFUL large black dog. And he has such love in his eyes. I just don't get how someone could purposefully be abusive to animals like that. JUST. DON'T. GET. IT. The foster we have now is cute as can be as well. 5 months old. Yet to have heard her bark. An absolute joy to have around. You can tell she just *needs* to be with children. But she's scared to death of my husband, which pretty much indicates that she had a male abuser. Again, who does that to something so helpless?

I'm sure Bill thinks I've jumped off the deep end. Since the 5th month of my pregnancy, we've had three different fosters. I talk to EVERYONE asking them if they want a dog, even the worker in the drive thru at Subway. Thats how I get them adopted. He keeps on saying this is the last, but is always so wonderful when I bring the next home.

I hope, for Claires heart, she gets her daddy's love of animals. Just enough, but not insane, as it looks like I've become lately.

Please, if you have the room, go adopt an animal from your local shelter or rescue mission. I PROMISE for every bit of work you have to put into it, you'll get a minimum of four times the joy. Especially if you go get a big black one, lol.

Memorializing the "bad" anniversaries....

2009-08-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

As Bill and I were driving back from Indianapolis on Sunday, it hit me.... It was one year to the day that my first IVF cycle had been cancelled. Because of not being monitored closely, I'd grown a 40MM cyst instead of follicles. I was crushed, and not at all sure that we'd even continue on with A.R.T. because of all the issues and roadblocks we'd had so far.

Funny thing is, I got the call my cycle had been cancelled while driving back from a Dave Matthews Band Concert. And that is EXACTLY what I was doing on Sunday as well.

It amazes me how we, as women, can bounce back from all of the roadblocks, setbacks, deadends and make this happen. How it takes some much longer than it took me. At the embryo transfer, I kept on telling my nurse "I don't know how many more of these I have left in me." I truly meant it. It's exhausting, both mentally and physically. Memorializing the bad anniversaries are so much sweeter when you have something great (Claire) to replace it. For all of those that are without, however, I know that your great is coming.

Claires nursery, a work in progress!!

2009-07-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

We've been working on it for 15 or so weeks now. It *should* be perfect, but I've literally been taking it one step at a time!

First, a picture of our gorgeous little girl at the gender ultrasound:

Her new recliner (that WE'LL probably get the most use out of!):

See all those totes on the left hand side? Those are clothes sorted by size!

And... All of her clothing "sets." This is just the 0-6 month stuff. The kid has more clothes than I and Bill have at this point! Please note the Steelers snow suit to the right, Bill's one true love of Claires wardrobe!

So... It's all coming along. I really think we could take her home if we were to have her today (in terms of baby gear) if we just had a stroller and car seat. Oh, and a rug for the floor, lol! Making curtains soon, they're BRIGHT (and that's putting it mildly).

Well... I can check off my first trip to L&D

2009-07-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Is there an option for that in the baby books? We're horrible, and haven't bought one yet. Given that I'm almost 23 weeks, I don't think it's happening. Something for Claire to tell the therapist one day about her neglected childhood...

Anyway, the past week has been stressful. I had a deposition that lasted 4 hours on Thursday for the last company I worked for (owners are bickering) and 5 minutes before leaving for said deposition, my boss calls me to tell me that the health insurance is changing effective August 1st. WHAT?!?! We've already met the out of pocket and deductible for the year with Blue Cross. There is NO WAY in the world we can afford another 3-5K deductible to have this kiddo. Seriously, what a way to stress out a pregnant woman! Especially with a 3 day weekend for me to worry worry worry about it. I love my OB, and couldn't imagine having to change that, or the hospital I am using. I worried that pregnancy would be a pre-existing condition, that we were getting an HMO, etc. Everything is still in the air about that, but I've calmed down considerably.

Monday, I had it set in stone that we were painting my new office. My company is moving locations, and my new office has crappy, dreary wall paper and paneling. Something I felt I just couldn't live with. So, I bought the water-based paint (as the OB told me I could) and we went to town. I felt "off" that morning, but just thought it was because my belly was growing and I was tired...

Boy, was I wrong. I got home and laid down, but began bleeding. I freaked. Couldn't breathe I was freaking so much. I called my OB, and she asked me to go to triage. Of course I had no idea what that meant, so she had to explain it to me and where it was. Just a different part of the hospital, but still...

Bill and I rush over there, I'm hooked up to monitors, and we immediately hear Claires heart beat. What a WONDERFUL sound! They were amazed, with how early I am, that she cooperated so well. We tested for a kidney infection, to no avail. Then, they started talking placental abruption, shortened cervix. I started crying again. The nurses were so great! I'm sure they get tears all the time, but they made me feel so safe and that my fears weren't valid, that Claire would more than likely be in distress if there was a placental abruption.

I then was asked to go to the ultrasound room, where we saw the most amazing thing in the world. Awesome placenta, no shortening/thinning of the cervix. And my baby girls face in 4D. Of course I cry again, for a combination of everything being ok and seeing her sweet face. She's gorgeous, but I could be a bit biased.

Official diagnosis? UNKNOWN. Dr. Ramsey wanted to put me on bed rest, but after I PLEADED and told her about the painting, she relented. I have no disability insurance, we're still saving like mad-men for when Claire comes (no maternity benefit either) and this would kill us. Like living in the street kill us. It truly made me realize that I HAD to take it easy for the next 15 weeks or so, and that there is a good possibility I could end up on bed rest. UGH!

She likes the "juice..."

2009-06-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Warning to all pregnant, or even not pregnant women...

POISON IVY IS MISERABLE. Especially if you're very sensitive to it.

It's been a rough week. I really tried to ride out the poison ivy, but when I woke up Friday morning, I could barely open my eyes the swelling was so bad. I had a mini panic attack, then promptly took myself to the dr to get a steroid shot. Not without first discussing it with my OB, however.

Let's just say... Claire likes the juice. Who knew it would take a steroid shot to feel my first real kick? It was the most amazing thing ever! And, I've not felt it since, but I can't wait until I do.

Claire now officially has the nickname "juice." Lets hope she finds it as funny as her dad and I do.

No, Grey is NOT for Grey's anatomy!!!

2009-06-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

Can I just tell you how many times THAT has been my reply to Claires' middle name since we filled everyone else in on what her name was?

Seriously, people, do you really think I'd name my child after a Dramatic TV series?
Give me more credit than that! She gets her middle name from Dave Matthews Band. Specifically, the song that got me through so many bouts of IF depression, and what helped me move on when Bill and I were separated. We had decided beforehand that Grey would be the middle name whether we were having a boy or girl. Quite frankly? Bill and I both LOVE the name Claire Grey, and I was just going to be furious if it was "wasted" on a boy. Yes, I realize this is a "hippie" thing to do. I don't care. Get over it, suck it up. It's our chance to name a child...

Only one person has reacted negatively to the name, and I really expected her to. What I DIDN'T expect was that she'd hate the name Claire as well. Oh well, she had her children, and was allowed to butcher their names if she so chose, this is OUR chance to butcher a name!

What do you do when you get EXACTLY what you want????

2009-06-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

That is what I kept on thinking about after our gender scan today. We have been SO blessed throughout this journey, and it just keeps on getting better.

I know it’s horrible to wish for a certain gender, but I did. I’ve wanted a little girl so badly, for so long. Today, my wish was granted. Was she stubborn? Yes. But after squats, jumping up and down in the restroom, using the restroom and a VERY patient ultrasound tech, we found out that Claire Grey E—will be making an appearance in November.

It’s so weird, because my life is EXACTLY what I’ve always wished for. A rock solid marriage, blessed beyond belief with family and friends, and a perfect little girl to add to the mix now.

Life is great, and wholly unexpected…

To answer the question, what do you do when you get exactly what you want? This is what I did: Thank God over and over, and continue to do it daily, hourly and by the minute.

Maternity overload....

2009-06-03T05:46:00.001-07:00

Bill and I had planned to begin our registries yesterday. I had already told him that, as to not be overwhelmed, we'd do it an hour at a time over a few weeks. Hence the reason to begin so early.

So, off to BRU we go. WOW. Just, WOW. I knew baby stuff was expensive, but I guess I didn't realize just how expensive it is. I feel guilty asking friends and family to pay these outrageous prices, it's almost like I am holding them hostage. Bill convinced me it's what is needed, however, and we just have to suck it up.

There is a local furniture store here that has been in business for almost 125 years. It's where everyone goes to get their furniture,and the business has a reach of about a 200 mile radius. There was this rocker recliner I fell in LOVE with in the store in January, but it was chocolate with small aqua polka dots. Of course, at the time, I wasn't even cycling, so there was no way I was buying it. Of course we go to check if they have a chocolate/pink fabric for a girl, and of course they don't. I had to control myself from crying. I really am more emotional than usual lately, but this is something I'd been wanting for the baby before there even was a baby. Bill finally persuaded me to choose another fabric, so we're good to go once we know what we're having.

Then, we did daycare tours. I wanted to do an unannouced visit to see what they were truly like. Boy were my eyes opened. Of course, there are only two daycares that will even accept our child when we need it, so it was slim pickings to begin with. The first one, just horrible. I have some childcare background experience, as one of my first positions out of college was with a Childrens Advocacy Center that had a state funded crisis care nursery with it. I know the policies and procedures. This daycare was HORRIBLE. Steps without railings, kids wondering around the center, we went into the center in a wrong door, and no one greeted us. The nursery teacher had on her shoes, we didn't have to take off our shoes, and she wasnt watching the two crawling babies on the floor while we were speaking with her. Neither was her assistant. I know I am a bit of a clean freak, but really, shouldn't a daycare be the same if not better? This place was D.I.R.T.Y... No other way to explain it. No structure, and on our way out, there were teenagers YELLING at kids. I left a sniveling mess, telling Bill that I WOULD NOT be going back to work if this was the only option for my child.

Bill talked me down from the ledge, and we went on to the next daycare center. PHEW!!! Security entry. Take your shoes off. Here is the schedule, foods, activities for the YEAR. Cleaner than my house. Elderly lady in the nursery that is AMAZING. Oh, what a difference! But, there is a hitch... There are two nurseries with the same name (owned by the same person) and I'd inadvertently put my name on the OTHER daycares waiting list. The director was sooooooooooo nice, though, and got us on the list for hers, even putting us in for when it's needed. Crisis averted.

You'd think the maternity/parenting planning would end there, but hey, we're talking about me. The belly is starting to get "fluffy." I'm resigned to the fact that due to being overweight to begin with, I'm not going to have one of those pretty round bellies. I'm ok with that, but I need some new clothes. We go to motherhood, and I start trying on clothes with the "bump" they have in the changing room.

OH.MY.GOSH. Is that really what I'm going to look like? LOL! It was cute, but overwhelming at the same time. I found a swimsuit and a shirt that I liked, but of course I couldn't commit, as there is a no-return policy with sale items, and we ALL know that is the only way I shop, lol! So, I have to think about it.

We needed to register at target too, so I told Bill lets do it. This is where things begin to get really hairy. My back is starting to hurt. A torrential rain pours, so we can't leave. We actually did get a lot of things we needed, but I was just done. Thats a whole lotta planning in a short amount of time. My back hurt, I'd not had dinner, and it was almost nine. Time for planning phase to end for the day.

We got our crib put together Sunday, some furniture moved out of the nursery (what used to be my reading room). We're full speed ahead for this kiddo. Six more days until we know pink or blue!

Finally an aunt...

2009-05-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law became full-fledged parents at 9:53 p.m. last night. Liam Porter E--- was born after roughly 16 hours labor. Pretty good, I think, for a firstborn???

I went through a wide range of emotions yesterday, just as I am sure they did. I am so excited to be an aunt, as it's something I never thought I'd be. I'm an only child, and I guess it just never occured to me that I could be an aunt through Bill. But I am....

Liam is gorgeous, and I am so excited for the family. If I'm honest with myself, though, I'm just a tad bit embarrased that we couldn't have the firstborn. That we had to try for two years to get where we are now. It seems like I teeter between that thought, and the thought that this child I'm carrying now is EXACTLY what we were created for. It's a weird, twisted group of feelings when infertility is involved, I guess.

I can't wait until it's our turn, that we're in L&D ready to meet our child. Babysteps first, though, and maybe we'll get some "training" with Liam, lol! We find out June 9th what the gender is, and I think that is when it'll really become "real" for me.

Welcome to the world gorgeous, beautiful Liam!

A different set of standards

2009-05-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

That’s what my husband feels like he’s always been held to. He chalks it up to being the firstborn. I guess I just don’t get that because I’m an only child. Or maybe because I understand the dynamics of my family, and even eight years later, I’m still learning his.

Bill’s mother called last night to tell us that there was going to be another baby in the family. Of course we were a bit confused, as Bill’s brother and sister-in-law will be delivering within the month (within the WEEK if Teri has anything to do with it, the poor girl is MISERABLE) and we’re due in November. Honestly, on that side of the family, we’re the only ones in marriages that are at the age/stage of life for children. So, Bill guesses both of his aunts, which Vicki quickly shot down. Then he guesses his aunts children that are still in High School (really, we’re pulling at straws here. I’m in bed; it’s late and JUST TELL US ALREADY!!!). It’s a cousin that’s not at all on her feet, has a 12 year old son, and is spastic in her family visits and life in general. Said cousin is due in September. It’s a girl. And the family is just now finding out?!?!?

Of course, we’re a bit dumbfounded, and don’t know what to say. And Vicki gets really upset about that. So we’re talking and I ask “who’s the father?” To which Vicki brushes over and says she doesn’t know, that it doesn’t matter.

IT DOESN’T MATTER????

This is the same woman that detested the fact that my husband was friends with someone that came from a single-parent family. Her exact words, as quoted by Bill, were “that’s trashy, and shouldn’t be condoned. I don’t want my children around that.” Why, now, is it ok? I guess that hits a little close for me, as I am a product of a single-parent family. There is a special place in my heart for single parents that are actually trying. I don’t feel that this cousin is. Everything is someone else’s fault. Her life is ruined because of X, X and X.

I just live my life differently. I feel, at some point, we are responsible for our own lives and have to move on from the past. Everyone has problems, some to a greater extent than others, but it is our choice, our WILL to move on from the pain and reemerge better and greater. Things have always worked like that for me, and I really feel it’s because of that attitude.

I’m worried about this child, just like I worry about her older child. How does a child thrive in so much turmoil? And why, exactly, are we held to such a different standard?

This year? This year is different....

2009-05-09T05:57:00.000-07:00

Mothers Day.... A day I've dreaded since 1999. Then, it was only because I missed my grandmother so much. It was a day to glance over, or just get through. There have always been strong women in my life that have been like a mother to me (namely my Aunt Sandy, who I couldn't be more proud of and thankful for) but no one that compares to my grandmother. I always thought those years were hard until 2007.

And then, 2007 mothers day was miserable. It occurred roughly a week after my D&C. Bill had already bought presents and didn't know what to do with them. I was still recuperating due to complications from the procedure and life was just miserable. It was the first year since Bill and I had been married that we didn't go into his hometown to spend time with his Mother and Grandmother. What I most remember about that day was how hard we were grieving.

2008 mothers day brought an unexpected surprise, my cousins daughter Haley. On the surface, it took my mind off of "things" (re: fertility failures) but just on the surface. I was miserable. Here my cousins girlfriend was, becoming a mother on mothers day at 21, unmarried and pregnant through faulty use of BCP's, and I was an infertile person that couldn't even get pregnant with sperm washed and shot up into my uterus with me on a high dose of clomid. I mean, really?!?!?? Who WOULDN'T feel like a reproductive failure in that scenario?

I look back on that now, and realize just how hard it is to be infertile in a fertiles world. Especially on a mothers day. And while this year is different for us, I still grieve for all of the women that haven't yet found their way to a child. It is my deepest belief that we all find our way to our children, and know that everyone will get there. It's still crushingly hard to think about those that have to chin up after failed procedures, maxed out credit cards and empty wombs.

So, while this year may be different for us, I'm not so far out of the whole infertility journey to realize just how hard tomorrow is going to be for many. And I hope I never AM that far out of the journey to realize it.

My last derby with Papa.

2009-05-02T05:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a Kentucky girl. Born and bred. I never thought this would be the only state I'd lived in at 30, but it is.

You would think I'd have been to a derby by now, but I haven't. Honestly, I've never had the desire to. Maybe for the social aspect of it, and to get a new hat, but not otherwise. The derby is less than two hours from me, yet it's never been on my list.

I do, however, have a family immersed within the horse/gaming industry. My fondest memories of my Papa are helping him pick horses as a child. We'd go to our local newsstand most mornings (either Papa or my Uncle Mike who is now gone too) and pick up the paper with the list of all the horses in it and their odds. I got to pick one horse by name generally, and they'd pick everything else. I was pretty lucky, if I say so myself.

I should have known the last derby would be the last with Papa. He'd progressively gotten worse, and hadn't been out of his hospital bed in almost a year. We'd been using hospice service for almost 5 years, when the average time is supposed to be 6 months or less. It's a testament to my family's care and the fight in my Papa that he made it as long as he did.

My last derby was spent feeding Papa and just spending time with him. I liked to say that he knew I was there, or what was going on on the TV, but who knows? He was partial to men, and really perked up when they were in the room. Heck, he'd call Bill by name, a man he'd met only a handful of times before his disease took over, and would always address him by name. The women, however? No acknowledgement. Maybe if Bill had been there with him, he'd have enjoyed it more. All I know is, I couldn't have had a better derby than I did last year, and thank God I got to enjoy the time with Papa. Less than two weeks later, he would pass away.

If I never go to Derby, it'll be ok. My best derby will always be 2008's.

Would you want me to remain silent if we would have adopted?

2009-05-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

I often think that frequently. There are some immediate members within the family that have a TRUE dislike to the fact that we are preparing to be fully open with our children and let them know they were conceived via IVF. One member in particular has given her dissenting disapproval, and was embarrased when we embarked upon our infertility journey in the beginning, asking us not to tell anyone about it.

To her, I would love to say "would you still wish us to remain quiet had we adopted?"

I will not remain quiet. I will shout our struggles from the rooftop, hoping to find one person in common that will know that their struggle is not in vain. To never give up. To seek Gods advice when it just doesn't seem to be working. He stirred within us that it wasn't time to give up (even though I felt at the time that I desperately wanted to) and made it clear what the next step should be.

I refuse to remain silent about our struggles. I refuse to lie to my child about this. Will I alienate the family member? Most likely. That is not my intention in any way. I will not, however, hide facts just to appease them.

Oh, to be so blissfully ignorant about the whole process...

2009-04-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

ESPECIALLY when you've been through it!

Bill is training a new employee, and we were discussing her today at dinner.

"She has triplets" he says...
"Obviously fertility treatments" I say

Of course, he disagrees with me on this saying "she didn't say that." Well, DUH! Did you tell her we're pregnant through IVF? I didn't think so! I let him know, for future reference, he could assume that roughly 80% of all triplets were fertility related. That is a safe assumption, I think.

Through additional conversation (because he STILL didn't believe me) I discovered I was friends with her older sister throughout elementary school, and did know she saw the evil dr that screwed us royally. And that they got pregnant first round with the clomid/IUI combo.... That's what I love about living in a small town. And what I hate about it too... It's Bills new employee, but because of MY connections to this town, I already know more about her than he does. And, apparently, more about fertility treatments than he does...

Survivors guilt... anxiety.... fear?!?!

2009-04-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

It’s not easily put into a category, I guess it’s simply unidentifiable. Two years ago, when I was 12 weeks 4 days (the exact moment today in my pregnancy) Bill and I walked into that genetic counseling ultrasound that would forever change our life. Mary Grace was gone, and by best measurements, had been for almost 4 weeks.

Today has brought a flood of emotions and anxiety that I’m trying to deal with as best I can. Things are TOTALLY different with this pregnancy than they were with Mary Grace. I’ve had close monitoring, excellent care and we’ve seen the heartbeat multiple times. Things we never got with her. But it’s still hard for me to accept things are going along as they should. I’ve been tempted to call the OB, at the last appointment she said we/I could come in any time I felt anxious and they’d hook me up to the ultrasound machine, but I’m really trying to not be “that” patient. I’m also struggling to show my faith that all is ok. It’s working, but I can’t say it’s easy.

Sometimes I feel guilty for cherishing this pregnancy so much. That almost, by doing so, I am forgetting Mary Grace. Of course I know that is not the case, but what can I say? I'm an irrational pregnant woman.

Exactly one week from today, we’ll go into that same genetic counseling again. I’m expecting dramatically different results this time, and have faith in that.

A-mazing!!!

2009-04-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

That is the only way to describe my weekend. It was filled with old sorority sisters, rocking pizza and Dave Matthews Band. What more could a girl ask for?

It was a blast, and one of the BEST DMB concerts of my lifetime. Possibly *the* best. I have to ponder that one for a while though... And all without one single beer. I just smelled my friends all night.

Hopefully the baby heard this concert, and not the Hank Williams Jr. Bill subjected me to last weekend.

THIS begins my summer concert series. Next week O.A.R., then New Kids on the Block, then three more DMB concerts. The baby needs to be subjected to this music in the womb, because it may be all s/he hears outside the womb.

Funny the way it is....

2009-04-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

As most everyone knows, I'm incredibly head over heels in love with Dave Matthews Band. An obsession, of sorts... I'd been anxiously awaiting for their new studio album for quite a while (although they are NEVER as good as the live albums, in my opinion) and was beyond upset when the release date was moved from yesterday until June 2nd. Especially when my first DMB concert of the season is next week, and I was looking forward to that new material. Still hoping it shows up in the set, but doesn't overpower it. I loved Cornbread (somewhat) and Eh Hee (more than Cornbread) but after the concerts last year, I was kind of tired hearing those two. I think I got those both at 99% of the concerts....

Anyway, enough rambling about DMB concerts. This blog is all about how the first single off the new CD, "Funny the way it is" reminds me so much of our infertility struggle. Below, you'll find my lyrics. Then, below that, DMB lyrics, which I must say are WAY better. Check the new single out, it rocks...

Funny, the way it is...

You try so hard for one of your own
Then you look all around and those among you are wishing it away.

Funny, the way it is...

You struggle with your choice of how to do this
When all around you you see those graciously moving forward daily while you stumble all around.

Funny, the way it is....

You work so hard to make the right decision
Then your family tells you they're so glad it didn't turn out how you'd wish, and they're embarrased about the decision

Funny, the way it is...

You keep on trudging along in your journey
Just to find you've been led directly into the path thats right

Funny, the way it is....

You finally get your wish
While someone else feels that they're surrounded by others wishing it away.

DMB Lyrics:

Lying in the park on a beautiful day
Sunshine in the grass and the children play
Sirens passin, fire engine red
Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hanging out
on the front step and the car goes by with the windows rolled down
and that old song is playing “Why can’t we be friends?”
someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is if you think about it
Somebody’s going hungry, and someone else is eating out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way her mouth feels in a lover’s kiss
like a pretty bird on the breeze or water to a fish
the bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor
hear the laughter while the children claim war

Funny the way it is if you think about it
One kid walks ten miles to school, another’s droppin’ out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Oh, a soldier’s last breath and babies being born

Standing on a bridge
watch the water passing under
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge, just water
now the world is small, remember how it used to be
with mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

There’s the sky, the jet plane so far out of my reach
Is there someone up there looking down on me?
a boy chase a bird, so close but every time
he never catch her, but he can’t stop trying

Funny the way it is if you think about it
One kid walks ten miles to school, another droppin’ out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
A soldier’s last breath and babies being born

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s broken heart becomes your favorite song
Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks ten miles to school, another’s droppin’ out

Standing on a bridge
watch the water passing under
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge, just water
now the world is small, remember how it used to be
with mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

"Sometimes I feel like an orphan..."

2009-04-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

One of the ladies I have the utmost respect for (via internet) made that comment a few days ago. And I realized just how that hit home for me as well.

My grandparents raised me, and were my rock. Heidi (what I called my grandfather) died my senior year of high school. It was hard, but I had my grandmother to lean on, so it seemed to make things easier. She was my rock. Sure, I was a granddads girl, but I was closest with her just because I lived with her (my grandparents were divorced).

When my grandmother passed away, I'd just turned 20 years old. Like, thirteen days prior. I fell into this pit of despair, and it took a long time to pull myself out of it. I had no siblings to lean on. Sure, I had cousins and the best aunt in the world that anyone could ask for, but they still weren't her. I distanced myself from them all, which was made easier because I was away at school.

Finally, I emerged from my self-imposed cocoon. Almost 5 years later. The relationship with my family was strained, but we all truly worked on it. But it's still not my grandmother. Sometimes I get really angry for my grandparents being all the family I ever needed, surrounding me the way they did, but I know they were doing what they felt best for us. I will always wonder if they'd fostered a closer relationship with other family members if it wouldn't hurt as bad as it does now.

The point is, how is it now that I'm 30 years old, preparing for a child of my own and being a supposed adult, do I still feel like an orphan? No matter which way I fill my life with family, there is still this giant hole in my heart that yearns for a mother to lean on, and a father to gain support from.

I guess I've really been thinking about this lately because of the recent post, and the fact that my child is going to grow up and very likely not know half of their heritage. At least one fourth of it, as my biological mother couldn't be bothered to track down which of the men could possibly be my father. Imagine explaining THAT in the history portion of medical records. That came up this week as well. How do I fill that void so my child never even knows a piece of them is missing?

I miss my grandparents terribly, and wonder if that ache will ever go away. Who will be there when I have my children? I'm worried about that as well, especially with the increased risk of c-section. My grandmother would have done it in a heartbeat. My aunt is much too busy assisting her 7 brothers and sisters, I don't feel like I can ask her. My cousins that live in town? Smoke like chimneys and don't care to be around infants with it. I refuse to expose my children to that. Add my uncle to that as well. Sure, Bill can take care of me, but he's going to have to go back to work quickly.

It's just all too much right now. I miss my grandma. I'm FURIOUS at my bio-mother for not being able to be a parent, and really blame her for putting me in this situation. I'm a mess of emotions right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

OB? CHECK. Getting the birth I want? Well, maybe we'll mark that off the list....

2009-04-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

First, I must start off with a vent. What is it with people and their stupid voice mail obsession? SPECIFICALLY, checking such voice mail on SPEAKER PHONE while in a public place... Did I miss an etiquette session where this states it's now the norm?

Bill and I were eating at our favorite Indian restaurant last week, and the man in a table next to us begins to have a cell phone conversation with the speaker on?!?! Excuse me? Then, he proceeds so much with the mouth sounds that I demand we move. Seriously, who can find anything appetizing with THAT sitting next to you?

Then, today, while waiting for the OB, a patient and her boyfriend come in with their newborn. Cool... Then, they beging talking to the baby in the LEAST possible "inside voice" about how stinky the baby is, along with a few other words I won't repeat on the blog (trying to stop cussing for the baby...). Then, the new mother says, "lets check the voicemail!" YAY!!!! She has 19 messages, and proceeds to listen to them on speakerphone for the whole office to hear. Thankfully, we only got through about 10 drunk messages before we were called back. Oh, and after each message? She and her boyfriend had to giggle and comment about how "cute" it was that her friends were calling her drunk. Mother of the year, I tell ya.

Anyway, I thought today would be a "meet the OB" type of visit along with an ultrasound, but BOY, was I wrong. Today was a "let me see all up into your lady bits with numerous swabs" kind of day. Seriously, I have to mentally prepare myself for whats going to happen in an appointment not to get really anxious. So, I left the office with a migraine.

We did get to see the baby, though, which was amazing. S/he is all moving around and wiggling, and waving! I told Bill it was flipping me off for the szechwan last night (I found out the hard way baby doesn't like szechwan) but he assured me thats not the case. I still think s/he was flipping me off... They are, in fact, half my genetic material.

Had a nice long talk with the dr, clearly stating that I DID NOT, without a shadow of a doubt, want a c-section or an induction. That those two things were off the table. Then, she, in her OB gloriousness, got all non-OB-soothing-statistical on me. I'm high risk (which I kept on telling her I didn't want to be, but doesn't seem to change things, lol) which increases the risk of c-section 10%. IVF success? That apparently increases the c-section risk an additional 10%. Average risk of c-section is 30%, so we're looking at a 50/50 shot of a section.

I know now that I'm pregnant, I shouldn't complain about whichever way this baby gets here, but it's something I REALLY didn't want. I'm going to prepare myself for it in the next 7 months, though, so hopefully when it DOESNT happen I can be happy. I really respect and trust this new dr, as does Bill, so she's it.

Please pray for no c-section or induction....

Bargaining, and getting almost EXACTLY what you didn't ask for...

2009-04-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

Most days, I don't go without thinking about how long it took us to get here, and how much of a struggle it was for us.

From that initial diagnosis to our positive pregnancy test, it took 15 long months of trying with medical intervention. Sure, that doesn't seem like a long time, but when you've bargained your way through a miscarriage to get yourself through it, what adds up to 22 months (adding in the time we were trying in earnest BEFORE seeing an RE) is an eternity.

I remember, in the beginning after losing Mary Grace, I bargained with God that he'd let us "do it" before her due date.

As the due date approached, I bargained with God that we'd become pregnant before seeing the RE.

After seeing the RE, I bargained with God about getting pregnant prior to our first IUI.

And then, when the IUI's weren't working, I bargained with God about getting pregnant before the first IVF.

When the cyst cancelled my cycle? Well, I was just furiously pissed then.

When my sister-in-law and brother-in-law announced their pregnancy, I bargained with God that I not go without a pregnancy/child before they delivered.

When my IVF failed in early November, I bargained with God that I'd do whatever He wished, just as long as I got pregnant SOON.

I also bargained to be a mother before my 30th, ANY TIME in 2008, to NOT have a due date around the same time as Mary Graces' was, but look where we are...

What her intended due date was, when I'm 31, in 2009. God works in mysterious ways.

Through this whole process, I've learned just how much I am NOT in control of my destiny, and that things will turn out exactly how they're supposed to. Not such an easy thing when you're such a Type-A like I am.

Sometimes I think this fertility trial was presented to Bill and I to make us stronger together. Which it most certainly has. Sometimes I think it was given to us to renew our faith, which it most certainly has. Other times I think we were given this struggle to learn how to "let go."

Did this whole journey suck a big one? On the surface, yes. But I wouldn't change one thing now that we are where we are...

Relishing in the symptoms

2009-03-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

Most pregnant women would complain about their morning sickness, but I am absolutely THRILLED with it! It means my kiddo is still baking, and all is right in the world.

Although, whoever termed it morning sickness is off their rocker. Like clockwork, it generally hits at about 1 p.m. every day, and continues on through late afternoon. Sure, it makes tasks almost unbearable, but I'm a willing participant in the process. Bill even is. It's so sweet the way he takes care of me.

I cannot believe I am 8.5 weeks. It's sinking in now that it's really happening, and we're putting plans in place to be prepared. I know you can never really be prepared for a child (especially your first, I hear) but we're trying.

Graduation Day...

2009-03-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today, we received our "walking papers" from Dr. Ahlering. Such a bittersweet moment! I love that office, but am happy just to be a regular old pregnant OB patient. Will I EVER be that though?

The baby's heart beat was beating at 150 bpm. Right where it should be, and s/he was measuring right on track as well. Life is grand....

Does the worry ever cease?

2009-03-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

I thought, once I got that positive beta, I'd move into "fertile-land" and just be blissfully happy with being pregnant. Which, for the most part, I have been. There are still these fleeting moments of insanity, though, where I'm sure something is wrong with this pregnancy. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy this? We've worked so hard towards this. It should just be simple.

But... It never is. We have our 2nd ultrasound tomorrow, which I am *sure* will be fine. But that nagging thought is still in the back of my mind. I know tomorrow when things go well that I'll be relased by Dr. Ahlering. That scares me as well. I like this every two week deal, even if it is almost 500 miles round trip. Uncle Sam is just going to LOVE our medical mileage next year! Once Dr. A releases me, I won't have another chance to see the bean until I'm 12 weeks. For genetic counseling. Then I begin to think about what happened at my last shot at genetic counseling and think there needs to be another ultrasound in between that. How do I coerce an OB to do it?!?!?

Positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking!

One thing, however, that lets me know this bambino is still in fact in there (or maybe it's the HCG boosers?) is the ALL DAY sickness. You know that feeling you have when your stomach is just SOUR? Like you want to upchuck and cant? Yeah, I've got it all day. Everything takes just a little more time now because I've got to give myself time to "recover" from tasks. And I'm talking simple tasks like taking a shower.... Whatever it takes. That's my new motto.

One perfect little yolk sac and fetal pole...

2009-03-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

Which is EXACTLY what we should see at 5w4d. Bill and I are thrilled. According to Dr. A, our chances of miscarriage have gone down to 5% after seeing this.

With so many past obstacles, it's so amazing to see how swimmingly it can be. I cannot recommend SIRM-St. Louis enough. The staff is amazing. The doctor is amazing. If you read far enough into my blogs, you'll realize I thought that PRIOR to being pregnant. In my mind, there is NO other clinic to use!

Blissfully boring...

2009-03-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

That would explain my life since the 2nd beta. I feel like I have nothing to say here anymore. This blog was all about the struggle of our infertility, and I don't feel I'm struggling anymore. How do I regroup from here?

Our first ultrasound is Tuesday, if I can wake up long enough for it, lol!

The second beta is in....

2009-02-26T13:03:00.001-08:00

And I’m over the moon. The number more than doubled today, to 37. We’re ecstatic. There was a small blip this afternoon with some spotting (which is TOTALLY normal, by the way). And I freaked. But then, this awesome calm came over me, and I decided that, even if this 2nd number was not what we wanted, I’d rather have two days of the joy that I’ve had than not to have this at all…..

Should we be worried about the number? Maybe. But, I’ll leave that to friends and family. Right now I’m taking it one day at a time, and relishing every single day that I have. This is the happiest I’ve been since we were pregnant before.

15

2009-02-25T11:24:00.001-08:00

is apparently our new lucky number. That was our beta at 6 days past 5 day transfer! Just praying for it to at least double tomorrow! As of right now, though, I'm officially knocked up!

Fear...

2009-02-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

Or lack of faith? Which is it that brings me to this place? With my first beta two days away, I feel it's much too soon. I'm not ready for this roller coaster ride to be over just yet. It's gone so smoothly this time, and I'm so grateful for that. We've put so much into this cycle emotionally, physically and mentally. How will we overcome that if we're not pregnant?

I know we'll do it all over again if it doesn't work again this time, but I'm just wondering how many more I have of these in me. And all along, I feel remorseful for being so doubtful. Bill and I had talked about that in detail prior to transfer... When it would feel "safe" if in fact we were pregnant? The rug was pulled out from under our feet at 12.5 weeks last time we were pregnant. I know that's the exception rather than the rule, but unfortunately it was OUR rule. We agreed on 14 weeks. Which would be 11 weeks from today if we are pregnant.

Please, God, let us be pregnant. I don't know if I can do it again.

We have frozen!!!!

2009-02-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

I'm over the moon right now! My nurse just called to tell me she'd be off next week, and I mustered up the courage to ask her if my one had made it to freeze ( I wasn't going to ask because I didn't want to ruin my weekend). She checks, and says that THREE made it to freeze! I asked her to check again, because Dr. A thought only one would. She said it was, in fact, my file, and that we had one grade one frozen and two grade two's. Given that they transfer the best embryos at the time of transfer, that means the embryos we transferred were more than likely graded one!

We're over the moon! After that failed IVF, I never thought I'd make it to blasts, let alone have something to freeze. I'm just so happy right now!

Our first blip...

2009-02-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

I should have known it was coming... Dr. A's nurse called me this morning to advise me of transfer, and of course I had to know how my future children were doing. Apparently, they were "early blasts." And, accordingly I freaked the F out. Seriously. Dr. Greenlee felt so sorry for me at acupuncture that I got a massage out of it. Can I just say how great that office is? And he kept on hugging me, but I think that is EVERY guy's response when a woman is inappropriately crying in front of them, right?

So, I'm fretting fretting fretting. There are only three embryo's left over, and while they're all blastocysts, they're "early blastocysts." Guess what that means? Middle of the road blastocysts. Average. A 2 on a scale of 1-3. NO reason to flip out, especially when I made NO blasts with Dr. Gentry.

So.... I have two blasts nestled safely inside of my uterus for the next 38 weeks, and one that will be frozen tomorrow. Life is pretty darn good...

The good news just keeps on rolling in

2009-02-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

And we're trying to hang as best as possible! IVF isn't for the faint of heart, and we've definitely realized in the past few days that we are NOT the faint of heart!

Egg retrieval left me in a tremendous amount of pain. Dr. Gentry regularly provides his retrieval patients with phengran (which I still had) and pain meds (which I didnt have any more of) after. Dr. Ahlering doesn't. I thought maybe because I was totally out for ER, I wouldn't remember it and wouldn't be in pain afterwards.

Boy, was I WRONG! Bill finally made me call the on-call nurse yesterday just to make sure things were ok. And, she said they were, but that I may need some pain meds to get through this. THANK YOU! It feels like my right ovary was beaten to a bloody pulp! Maybe TMI, but every time I use the restroom, it felt like my uterus was going to fall out. Whatever was going on, it wasn't pretty. And, the fullness/pain was going all the way up my tummy. Apparently, I AM faint of heart when it comes to pain. But, all is better now.

I knew today would be another D-day of sorts, so I tried to prepare myself for it. Dr A's office called at 7:45, which I thought was a bad omen. Because of the pain I was in, they wanted me to get some bloodwork done stat to develop a baseline. Andrea didn't know about the embryo's, though, so I had to continue to wait. Have I mentioned that I'm not a patient person?

Anyway, Mary called around 11 to give me the update on our embryo's. TWELVE were still growing! I couldn't believe it! One of those was only a 3-cell, so we're pretty sure that one will arrest, but there is a 5-cell that *could* make it, 3 6-cells that have good potential, and SEVEN embryo's that are either 7, 8 or 9 celled. It's amazing!!!

For so long, I've felt I was a failure at being even an infertile. That I'd never get the quality or amount of embryo's needed to be successful. Bill and I had decided that if this cycle was as bleak as the last, we'd move on to an egg donor. We'd already talked to a family member about doing it.

But, apparently, we're a normal or almost a SUPERSTAR infertile couple. Still not great, but, hey, treatment will work for us! I know I'm not pregnant yet, I know I still don't have my embryo's home safely inside my uterus, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the collaboration between Dr. Ahlering and I will allow me to carry our firstborn. And, maybe, future siblings from the same batch!

Three months ago, the thought of having blasts to freeze wasn't even a possiblity in my mind. What a difference 90 days and a great fertility clinic can make!!!

Dr. Ahlering and his staff REALLY ARE the best!!!

2009-02-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

Egg retrieval was yesterday. We were hoping for 10 eggs according to the last ultrasound. Well, I told Bill I'd be happy with 12-14, but I was shooting for the stars! Dr. A had said we'd get about 10.

I cannot begin to explain what a night and day difference this office is from Dr. Gentrys. The only thing I'd do differently at SIRM would be to have Tiffany from Dr.G's office there. She's the type of nurse that would fit in perfectly there! Anyway, the IV went smoothly, I vaguely remember the ER (just pressure and counting, really) and recovery has been going pretty well. Am I in pain? Most definitely. But, thats because we got SIXTEEN EGGS! We were over the moon!

See, while I was in the ER room, I thought I heard them say 12 was the final number. So, as soon as I got back into the recovery room, I texted all of my friends and family that we'd gotten 12. I just shouldn't have counted my eggs before they hatched, lol! The nurse came in to see me, and told me we'd gotten 16. Both Bill and my eyes must have bugged out, so she said to let her re-check, and came back again to say yes, that was the correct amount.

We were just over the moon! With Dr. Gentry, we only got 7 eggs. It just goes to show you what a difference the right RE can make.

So, we waited patiently for the fertilization report today. I was just so sure something was going to go wrong, but it didn't! Of the 16 eggs, 14 were mature and

THIRTEEN FERTILIZED!!!!!

That is an unheard of fertilization rate! Again, we are over the moon!

We've come a long way, baby.....

2009-02-12T05:18:00.000-08:00

Or, should I say, intended baby? We received word as to when to trigger last night, which was at 2:30 this a.m. Crazy? Yes. Deliberate? Yes. I wanted the latest possible appointment for egg retrieval on Friday because my bosses are none tpo pleased with me leaving work as much as I have this week. I’ve talked to them about the possibility of needing time off, but apparently they don’t remember. I never would inform them of what is going on, which is my fault, but I’m just so used to things not working the way they should. Also, although they’ve been supportive of this journey, I know they are tired of it. I am too. But, in the famous words of my boss Ed, “it is what it is.”

So, let’s address this 2:30 a.m. trigger shot. I drew up the HCG mixture last night before bed, and put it in the fridge with an alcohol swab. What can I say? I knew Bill would be getting up, and I wanted to have it ready for him. 2:30 is EARLY!

We woke up, and I had Bill go get the shot. I didn’t even get out of bed or take off my pants. Just pulled them down, told him where to shoot me, and continued to rest. The shot went off without a hitch, and I was back to sleep within two minutes. I just find the whole situation hilariously funny. Especially when just a few short months ago, I wouldn’t allow him to give me the same shot because I was so scared of it. I literally had a panic attack when he tried to give it to me. This morning let me know that, in fact, we HAD come a long way, baby!

A bakers dozen....

2009-02-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Bill and I had a whirlwind of a weekend. On Saturday we drove to Paducah to visit with his step-mother and step-sister (who had travelled in from Kansas) and to assist with the storm clean up. I thought Henderson had received tons of damage until I saw Paducah. I have a healthy sense of respect for trees, and to see them broken and damaged like they were was just really hard. I don't know how to explain it. After visiting, we drove up to St. Louis to visit with Mary and prepare for our ultrasound on Monday.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was holding my breath all weekend. Sure, I've been pumping myself full of shots for 10 or so days, and sure I feel the twinges in my ovaries, but after so many setbacks, it's just too hard to believe it's going to be real this time. I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't get excited about this cycle until after my bloodwork and baseline ultrasound (because, surely, in my mind, there would be something wrong with them) and even then I couldn't be happy. I was worried about a cyst, not developing follicles, etc. I just knew that the ultrasound was going to go badly yesterday.

But.... It didn't. We have a bakers dozen brewing! My lead follicle is at an 18, which is right on track. I finally realized the relief, knowing this cycle is progressing as it should. I'm happy. Actually, happy doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm ECSTATIC. This is twice as many follicles as we had last cycle.

Dr. A and I talked in detail about a 3 or 5 day transfer. And, honestly, we've REALLY been leaning towards a day 3 transfer just because of the trauma of not having blasts at the day 5 transfer last time. And I thought, in my mind, that day 3 was what we would do. I realized something, however, last night. I have a bachelors (in criminal justice, at that) and Dr. A is an MD with NUMEROUS years of experience in the field of Reproductive Endocrinology. It's time to give it up and do what he thinks best. I have that much faith in him. I will not second guess him as I did Dr. G. I feel totally safe in his care. Something I did NOT feel with Dr. G. That could be because his nurses ran our cycles instead of him, and couldn't be bothered to read charts to even see what type of cycle we were doing. What a difference a clinic can make...

We're set for a Friday or Saturday retrieval currently. I can't wait.... I never thought I would look forward to an IVF cycle, but I really do this time.

Gratitude

2009-02-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

In what I felt the bleakest moment yesterday, we found another silver lining. I'd just been told by our power company that we probably wouldn't get power for a few more days, and to say I had one of my infamous meltdowns is an understatement. In that instant I really felt like I couldn't do it anymore. So, I made my way over to our house to check on it once again, and lo and behold, the power company was there. I was so ecstatic! I went to thank them personally for all they were doing, and then went in to check on the house. Apparently, the pipes in our bathroom had frozen, regardless of the water we'd left dripping. I could have cared less, I was just so thankful to think we could be in our home again.

I had the opportunity to really clean the house last night (which was what I was yearning to do anyway) and got quite a few things in order. Of course we couldn't stay there last night, the sink was toast, the water in the commode was frozen, and there was no hot water going through the pipes in the bathroom. But we made TREMENDOUS progress, and hopefully after a visit from the plumber this morning, we'll be home tonight. Home sweet home....

To celebrate, I made dinner for my uncle. I've been in such a rush during this time we've been displaced that I've not really spent the quality time with him that I probably should have. I rectified that last night and this morning though. We talked quite a bit, about the past, family that's gone, and us. I'll cherish that forever. I know his days are numbered, and honestly, he's the last remaining piece of living history I have in regards to my grandmother, so it's imperative that I spend all the time with him I can. That's my mission after all of this is over. I know he's quite lonely, and that he'll miss having someone living with him dearly. To be honest (now that we see the light at the end of the tunnel, of course) I'm going to miss being there too. Warts and all, my uncle is an AMAZING man. Maybe this whole situation has given me a newfound perspective on where my heart needs to be.

Silver linings everywhere...

2009-02-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

except on the homefront, that is. Mother nature released her fury on my sleepy little town Tuesday night, and covered us in ice and snow. We barely made it out of the house safely before the tree came crashing down where my car would have been. Who knew you could drive an Accord in 6 inches of snow and 3 or so inches of ice? We live on Main Street, and it looked like a snowy war zone. Trees down everywhere. It looked as if the branches were weeping. Covered in ice that would ultimately snap them in two.

Today is day 7 without power in our home. Until Saturday, we were staying with my uncle in his two bedroom trailer that became a temporary home to TEN people, 2 dogs (one of whom was blind and incontinent) and a cat. Let me repeat, a two bedroom trailer.... But,we all made it through, and with all our limbs in tact.

I'm such a type-a personality. Such an organizer. This has been hell on me. But I'm learning to live with it, and counting my blessings that all of my family and friends are ok, and we're fortunate enough to have a roof over our head, food to eat and hot showers to take. Those are silver linings in and of themselves.

IVF began full-force on Saturday. The shots, at least. And with that came a mini melt down. I want to be back in my home. It's somewhat torn apart from us trying to hurriedly pack in the middle of the night without light, and the fact that we had a washer going and dirty dishes in the sink when the power went out. Plus, all of the bad groceries in the fridge. I went back on Saturday and washed dishes without power, cleaned out the fridge and tried to tidy up. Thank God our hot water heater kept it's hot water. Swept up a little bit, tried to clean as best I could. How sad is that? I have no power in my house, no real date as to when I will have power, and I'm worried about how clean the house is. At least it helped calm my nerves a bit. What I'm most scared of is that we'll still be out of our home at egg retrieval. There is nothing more I want than to be at home after that. In MY bed. With MY wonderful husband. Recuperating THERE, not at someones house.... PLEASE, Lord, let that happen.

Back to silver linings.... I had to have an ultrasound done to count my follicles and measure lining on Thursday. There were FIFTEEN follicles! Twice as many as I've ever had before. In the middle of this horrible situation, a shining beacon of light comes through. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I've been quite worried, waking up at night about not having good embryos, not having enough, not making it to transfer. 15 follicles makes me MUCH more comfortable. I know there are no certainties in this process, but the difference between 7 and 15 is ASTOUNDING!

Not looking in that rear-view mirror anymore

2009-01-19T13:51:00.001-08:00

I had to have that thrombophilia panel done today, which means blood work. Which generally means a panic attack, but if there is one thing infertility has done for me, it's lessen my fear of blood work. I had 4 tubes drawn, and didn't even get woozy! That's a big step for me.

While out and about on the medical campus, I had a UPS package to drop off. Is it just me, or are these drop off locations in the least convenient locations? The only one I knew of around this area was in front of my old RE's office. That's right, Dr. Dip weed's office.

As I approached Professional Blvd, I got a knot in my stomach. Just a general feeling of unease. I dropped the package off and as I was driving away, I realized that I'd never go back there, and that I spent way too much time there. The past 16 months came flashing back like a bad horror movie in that instant. I knew that office wasn't the right fit for us, but I continued on, thinking that I'd just get pregnant and not have to deal with that office again.

If I could stand out on that parking lot and protest, I would. Fact is, though, that this dr has good success rates. If you fit into his category. If not, success generally is not waiting for you. And that whole ordeal with dealing with the office... Oh, if I only had it to do all over again.

It is my mission now to get the best possible care for us. To create that child we so deserve. After that happens? I'll become the biggest advocate there is for the dismissal of Dr. Gentry as an RE. And you know, if I'm approached about the situation, this will be my official response: "Dr. Gentry, I'm much more brave than you ever even knew." All the while NEVER looking back in that rear-view mirror.

Let me eat my words once again...

2009-01-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

Due to the sheer volume of my calls to the insurance company (I'm assuming they were tired of hearing from me regarding the script matter) I am now back on track for February. WOO HOO!

Now, are we "going back" and telling everyone that the cycle isn't scrapped? NO. I want to cycle in secret. I preferred it that way last time. Will people stumble upon this blog and know? MAYBE. It seems like I'm largely unread (which is probably a blessing in disguise).

So, onward ho February! May it be the season of a new Steelers superbowl win, and a Furlong-Evitts baby win.

Good lord, how corny is that?

Stick a fork in February.....

2009-01-15T11:35:00.000-08:00

I think our cycle may be done. I received a call from my pharmacy yesterday that my insurance isn't covering meds for this IVF cycle. Huh? Well, they SAY it just has to be "overridden" because of the cost, but we're still waiting. And I'm hearing crickets chirping. Bill and I contemplated taking on debt, but we've budgeted so carefully to pay the payment to the Dr. To add on a few extra thousand dollars just seems so wrong right now. What if I am on bed rest during pregnancy? I don't want to worry about paying off credit cards.

To add insult to injury, one of the blood panels I'd though I'd completed actually hasn't been performed on me. And it's a biggie. This tests for natural killer cells, which is where your body attacks an embryo/sees it as a virus. Guess what? Insurance doesn't cover that bloodwork either, and that panel is over $600.

It's just too much right now. Could we save all of that up in a couple of months? Yes. So thats what we're going to do unless the insurance company decides to cover the meds. If they do choose to do that, we'll continue on without the bloodwork.

But, ladies, I'm not seeing that happening. The insurance company knows we're in a time crunch, and I FULLY expect them to use that to their benefit.

Once we get over the infertility hurdle

2009-01-09T13:32:00.001-08:00

I began to think about that today... What type of parents will we be once we get over the infertility hurdle? What prompted this daydream was the fact that I actually demolished one of my faulty notions last night- I actually went to a chiropractor for help. For those that don't know, my grandmother had/has a stronghold on quite a few of my beliefs. One of her biggest ones was that all chiropractors are quacks. And honestly, there are a few that are. Bill's family goes to one that says he can treat stomach aches with alignment. REALLY?!?! Anyway, so I saw a chiropractor yesterday to begin my foray into acupuncture. Studies show that it assists in the IVF process. At this point, I'm willing to try most ANYTHING that will help me to bake a baby. Really. ANYTHING.

I was apprehensive most of the day about the appointment. And once I arrived at the office, I began pacing. I'm sure the receptionist thought I was insane. I went through with the appointment, however, and it really was amazing. Then today, I started thinking about it, and realized that I will do ANYTHING in my power to be a good parent. That makes me happy, because I think one of the greatest things in the world is to be a great parent. Will it be easy? Heck no, especially in the climate that most people raise their children in today. I already know we'll be quite strict, but that doesn't bother me. We'll see what our kiddo says after 18 years. I am so thankful for the parenting that I received. I know it made a real difference in my life, no matter how much I detested the rules and regulations at the time.

I grew up in a awesome parenting situation. I only hope I can pass that along to our future children. Debunking notions and being willing to do anything I can to make a child shows me that maybe, just maybe, I will be an excellent parent.

Finally two steps forward

2009-01-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

Without a step back. Just recently spoke with Dr. A, and all is still good for the upcoming cycle. The endometrial biopsy came back with no issues, and there was minimal scarring in my uterus, much less than could be expected after two D&C's.

What a relief. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I hung up the phone. This is all coming together, and it scares me to even say so. Seriously scares me. I want this so badly and have somewhat come to terms with it continuously not happening. Now that things are progressing as they should, it feels foreign.

I received my first calendar today, and the drugs are SO different than what they were with the last dr. Which just goes to show that Dr. A is doing what is good for ME given my history, not what "generally" works with all the other patients. One thing that I think ALL of my friends and family, dr's, nurses etc have learned from me is that my body doesn't work with "generally."

I begin accupuncture tomorrow, and I am apprehensive and ecstatic about it at the same time. I've been having a very hard time sleeping lately, and I'm hoping that will help it. If I get more blood flow to the uterus, so be it. We'll see how I feel after I walk out of there tomorrow.

Getting the great news I did today really did just make me realize, in true Furlong form that "it may not always turn out how I'd planned, but it will ALWAYS be better than I ever could have imagined."

I don't know why I even make plans anymore!

A new year...

2009-01-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

Glancing over this blog tonight, it seems as if a lot of the more recent posts are very angry.

And, yes, I have been angry a lot lately. Especially in terms of Dr. G. We received a call from his office that set another chain of events into motion, which really forced me to see that I'm not angry at the situation, I am angry at myself for staying with him so long. Especially now that we have the RE that we do. He's wonderful, and in a way I never thought possible when I began this journey almost two years ago. I mentioned something to my friend Mary that it almost seems like I was "abused" when I think about the relationship I had with that office now (after seeing what it *could* be like) and I think that is what I'm most angry about.

But........ No more. I need to move on to make peace within myself, so I am allowing myself to forgive others for their transgressions as well. Maybe it's new year cheer, maybe I'm finally moving on. Whatever it is, I am happy with it. Hopefully, this will be the year our dreams of completing our family are achieved. We know we'll only do this whole pregnancy thing once, so whether we get one or two with a successful IVF, well, that's all folks. We're pretty beaten down from our experience, and we both simply cannot imagine doing this all over again with a child to care for as well. Plus, with the antral follicle counts I have, who knows if we'd even be able to do this in a couple of years? So, we're resigned to the fact of one, and are praying as fervently as we can that we are given the opportunity for at least that.

New Years Eve, a big ordeal happened to one of my closest friends. This is the friend that I rushed Sigma with, the friend that I've cried on her shoulder a thousand times with, a friend that's been in and out in my adult life, but is definitely here to stay now. Her live in boyfriend left without warning. She took her son to a movie, and when she came home he'd moved all of his stuff out and ransacked her house. Classy much? I just couldn't believe it. Who would do that? Choose to end a 1.5 year relationship that way? Especially with a child involved. They shared a car, which he promptly took from her as well. So, I've been in St. Louis since about 10:30 the 31st to help her out. We got a car today. House back in order yesterday... Just waiting for that heart to get back together, which honestly may take a while. I don't know how she's going to recover from it, or if I could do it. Bill and I had our problems. That's BLAZINGLY obvious, as today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. How do you get around that day when you totally decimated it as a couple? I almost think it's been easier to be here in St. Louis so we DONT have to stare the day down together. How sad is that?

But, for all of our faults, mis-steps, etc, we made it through. We're one of the lucky ones, and I know that. After what Andy did, I called Bill the next day to THANK him 100 times over for simply being the most amazing husband in the world. Was it easy to get here? NO. Is our marriage perfect? NO. Were we made for each other? YES. And thank God both of us finally realized that, even though it took 1.5 years. Where in the world would I be without him?

And all of this infertility stuff? Never ONCE would I give that up. It's made us stronger. As individuals and as a couple. And I have a marriage I never dreamed of. That, alone, is worth all of this struggle.

I miss my grandmother....

2008-12-24T04:31:00.000-08:00

Today marks the 10th Christmas Eve without my grandmother. I woke up this morning crying. Why, you ask, does Christmas Eve leave me so upset? Because every Christmas Eve was THE most amazing time in my household. My grandmother and I would bake the week prior to Christmas Eve. I'd set the table, get the corn ready, and help put butter on the rolls. All important tasks, even to a 20 year old. My cousins would descend upon their far-upon locations, and I'd think that would be me one day with my family.

But, I lost all of that before I even knew it. My grandparents raised me, and as an only child, they were my world. My mother was a late in life baby, so of course I was a late in life grandchild. 12 years younger than the rest of my first cousins. My grandma and I were our own little family. And I'd just grown to love that. I was a brooding teenager until my last Christmas Eve with her. Maybe I knew what was coming, so I knew to knock it off. All I know is that when I was just developing the greatest relationship with my grandmother, that is when I lost her. And I'm angry about that, and sad. I rarely have pity parties, but I think I'm throwing one today. I want my grandmother here. I want her to make it all better. I want to be able to talk to her every day, like I did up until the day she died.

It makes me sad that her tradition didn't continue on. I remember spending my first Christmas alone in my apartment, with a tv dinner. How sad it was, and how it was JUST what I wanted if I couldn't be with my grandmother. Once Bill and I married, I tried to continue on with the Christmas Eve tradition. I have random cousins that are here year after year, but rarely do we talk about my grandma. And it makes me wonder if they miss her as much as I do. I know they have to, she was amazing. Maybe it's just too hard to talk about it?

Another setback

2008-12-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I met with Dr. Ahlering in person yesterday. He was wonderful, and spent ample amounts of time answering my questions. it's such a surreal experience given what happened before.

It seems I may have adhesions in my uterus, and need to have a hysteroscopy next week to see whether that is the deal. Not a biggie, but we need to be prepared going into this next cycle. Which is sooooooooooon! I can't believe it! In less than 6 weeks, we'll be on that roller coaster once again. It's exhilerating and scary at the same time.

Oh, and all my IF friends that have seen Dr. A or his pic have said he was a hotty. Of course, I couldn't see his pic that well, so I refrained from making a decision.

He's very handsome! So much so that I got nervous upon meeting him (or maybe I was just nervous anyway?) He reminds me a lot of a thinner Bill. Like runners body.

Insensitive comments

2008-12-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

So, as all infertiles know, you have to develop really tough skin to be one. It's standard procedure... Over the course of the 1.5 years we've been limping through this whole fertility process, I've gotten some winners. The ones that have hurt the most, however, seem to be these:

"can't you just try on your own instead of having a litter?"

My answer: Thanks for suggesting that! We'd never thought of it that way! Why, I guess we should just go have sex?!?!? We'd never even thought of that!

"I think it's selfish that you're doing this. Why can't you just adopt? It's selfish when so many children are in orphanages" (note that this is ALWAYS said by a woman with at least 2 biological children...

My answer: BIOTCH! How is it selfish for me to want to be pregnant/carry a child but not you?!?!? Please explain that to me, because I still don't get that thought process?!?!

"I'm so glad your IVF didnt work. You and your brother would have children right around the same time. Thats just not fair." (said to my husband at our Christmas get-together).

My answer: We've been trying longer than them. And we sank tons of money into a cycle that didn't work. But, heck, it's great that it didnt happen for us! that would just be suuuuuuuuper hard having two newborns in a family at one time! Surely, no other family has had to suffer with that. Wait... we have NO relationship with Bill's brother and sister in law. What the flip do I care if we have children at the same time?!?!?! REALLY!!!

"Oh my goodness! You are sooooooooooo lucky you don't have children! What I would do with all that free time and money!"

My answer: We have no money because we're trying to make a baby. We have no time because in my spare time I'm researching how to best acheive a successful pregnancy. Flip off...

And this weekend, while at one of my old friends house, a neighbor came over to use the phone because she and her nineteen year old boy friend were fighting and she wanted to call her mother to come get her. While waiting, she begain to morosely tell us how he'd PURPOSEFULLY gotten her pregnant, she never wanted a child, and now she's stuck with that damn baby while he gets to party. I'm talking word for word here, people... It took every ounce of restraint I had not to proceed to tell her what I thought. UGH!

Doesn't ANYONE think before they speak?

Thank you, Dr. Dipweed, for totally effing up our Embryo Transfer!

2008-12-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

Dr. Dipweed. I'd just like to take a moment to thank you, personally for how you handled our entire embryo transfer and what happened afterwards.

We had NO idea what was going on with our embryos until my booty was planted on that transfer table. Just having a hospital gown on that doesn't cover all of your body parts decreases your IQ by 20 points. Maybe thats not the BEST way to tell a couple that their embryo's arent looking so hot. And by hot, we mean they're actually cold as ice.... Not genetic material you'd put in your wife, but since we'd just shelled out an ungodly amount of $$ and time, well, you want to throw 4 of those embryo's back in.

To which we said no... If they were only morula's at day 5 (and only two of those) what, exactly, would we benefit from by putting a 7 cell day 5 and 5 cell day 5 in there as well? All that would do would make me crazy insane for the next two weeks worrying that all four implanted, or that all four implanted and split. Honestly, Dr. Dipweed, you shouldn't have gotten our hopes up at all.

Let's also talk about how you addressed my husband. Now, granted, I can get really hostile with him at times, but that's NOT YOUR JOB! It's mine! Or his parents. How DARE you begin to talk about his sperm like he's not in the room? Basically relating his sperm to trash, and that this is the reason the embryo's aren't growing? Thanks for your vote of confidence, Dr. Dipweed.

Oh, and then we shell out major bucks for a sperm analysis that also reviews DNA. We have the talk about donor sperm, and fret... And wait for your freaking call, which NEVER COMES!!!!!! So we call your office, only to be told that nurses can't review that info with patients, and you won't be back in the office until January. Why, thanks so much! That really works for us! Glad we continue to shell out big bucks to you!

Oh, wait... Scratch that last sentence. We effin fired your ass, thank GOD!

So I e-mail Dr. Ahlering's nurse. Thats right, e-mail. Dr. Dipweed's office I have to leave voice mail messages for, and wait days for the nurses to call me back (if they do). Dr. Ahlering and his nurse answer my e-mails. She has the analysis, wants to look over it... She gets back to me within TWELVE hrs! And I e-mailed her at 5 in the evening... It's all ok. Which shows that Dr. Dipweed's LAB is the problem, and not Bill's sperm. I would so love to go grill Dr. Dipweeds lab the way Bill got grilled at our egg retrieval, but I have too much hope....

Hope that we'll have a child that inherits half of me and half of Bill. Not an anonomous sperm donor, or egg donor. We're going to do it, and SIRM (Dr. Ahlerings) office has given me that hope.

Eff off, Dr. Dipweed.

Amazed...

2008-12-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

I had a visit with a new OB last week because I HAD to have a pap done to continue on with the IVF procession, and I honestly hadn't had one since the miscarriage in April of 2007. Really... As many times as my girly parts have been seen, you'd think Dr. G would have done that. But anyway, we were talking about how stressed I was with the pending holidays approaching, and as the OB was an IVF graduate herself, she suggested we try counseling just to get it all out. It was funny to watch her approach it with me, because I guess everyone is not as receptive to it as I am....

I thought it would be a great idea, and asked her to refer me. Crossroads Christian Church had been calling me, but I hadn't had a chance to return their call yet. Finally, I spoke to someone today. She started going into her spiel, and I knew I needed to stop her before we both wasted our time. I've seen the "religious" responses we've encountered during this journey. My mother in law is actually embarrased that we're doing this, and has asked us NOT to tell anyone (we did that for quite a while, but now we're doing it our way!)

Anyway, you could have heard a pin drop when I asked her if they worked with IVF couples. And the stuttering? Well, lets just say she's OBVIOUSLY not good at thinking on her feet. She came up with some bs answer like "we've thought about it before, but thats just one area we don't explore." Uh, thanks lady, I'll make sure we keep your "organization" on the TOP of our giving list this year.

Seriously, why do "Christian" organizations seem to be the most discriminating organizations? I'm very steadfast in my beliefs. And judgement isn't one of them. I'm so tired of hearing crap such as "God will make a baby for you, " "you're tempting God by doing this," "your doctor is playing God."

First and foremost, we tried it Gods way for almost a year. Then we prayed about it and GOD led us to an RE. God MADE the RE, and made the technology that makes IVF possible. NOT the devil.

Furthermore, a large part of our problem is because of an inherent disorder that Bill had AS A CHILD. He was BORN with this, it's not going to go away. If it were Leukemia or something else, would you be saying that God was taking care of it rather than seeking out medical assistance for it?

As for our doctor playing God, NOT TRUE. There is a LOT we're not doing that we could be doing because we feel its too invasive. I would LOVE to know what sex of embryo's we're putting back in (which can be done) but we feel like it's overstepping.

We've walked with faith through this entire process. We pray feverently. We give not only to our church, but our community as well. We're not bad people. We're not "unGodly" people. We're merely infertile people, and don't deserve to be discriminated against.

Apparently, we're never going to get to tell Dr. G why we're no longer using him...

2008-12-02T06:15:00.000-08:00

And I think I may be ok with that. We were supposed to have an appt last Wednesday to discuss our failed cycle, but Bill couldn't leave work. I really didn't want to go without him. So we made an appt for today. But, we're both sick and the LAST thing we want to do is hang around potentially pregnant women with compromised immune systems from the IVF, so we're cancelling today too.

Really, though, how do you "fire" a dr? Maybe it's best to leave things undone? The last time we went in to dismiss him, he sweet talked us. He's very charismatic, which isn't a bad thing, but he simply can't provide the services we need to succeed with this whole baby makin' process.

So, off to SIRM St. Louis it is. I just wrote a check to secure my spot in February. I'm excited about the cycle, and excited about not having to do any IVF stuff for a couple months. I'm taking the holiday off from baby-making, lol!

Giving thanks...

2008-11-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. There have been so many trials and tribulations for my family and I this year, but we just keep on getting up after being knocked down. Days like today make me miss my grandmother more than I ever thought possible. I miss Grandmommy, Bill's grandmother that passed away earlier this year. And I'm grieving the loss of Papa Slaughters as well. This will be the first true family holiday without him, and his presence will be missed greatly at lunch today.

Maybe it's best we're not in Paducah right now, because I couldn't imagine a Thanksgiving without Grandmommy as well. Bill and I have said time and time again that we're so happy we did Thanksgiving for them there last year. It's great to have those memories to look back on, banana sweet potatoes and all.

I am truly thankful for my family. The Furlong clan as well as the Evitts clan. All of my friends, our wonderful home and all of the blessings bestowed upon us. We really should take more than one day or "season" out of the year to celebrate that.

Yet another decision

2008-11-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

I've somewhat hidden this blog for the entire time that I've had it. Thats right, I've been blogging since April 2007 and no one knew about it.

For quite a while, this blog was like my diary. When I felt down, like I couldnt do the whole fertility thing anymore, I came here to talk about it. I've gotten so many insensitive comments about our process, and from the people that are supposed to love us the most. I decided to shut myself out from those individuals, not let them know the MOST important thing that was going on in our lives at the time. And that is not healthy. I should not feel ASHAMED about the process that we're going through. I would never want our children to feel ashamed about how they were created. If anything, we'll probably shout they were IVF blessings from the rooftop. We'll just be that darn proud that we've finally fulfilled our goal of having a family.

So, as of today, I've made my blog readily available to all of my friends and family. It's up to them how they handle the information. And, if they're not 100% supportive of our journey, then I'll be done with them, point blank.

We dont make the choices in your life, and I don't expect you to make the choices in ours. Be supportive, or say nothing. But no longer will I keep all of this a secret. Because it kills BOTH of us to not be able to talk about our trials and tribulations with those that are supposed to be closest to us.

We've made our decision...

2008-11-20T18:03:00.005-08:00

And SIRM it is... Dr. Nakajima was totally awesome, but just not what I'm feeling. I am feeling SIRM. So, away we go to St. Louis. More of a hassle, more driving, but definately where our hearts are leading us.

Next Wednesday, we'll part ways with Dr. Gentry's office. I'm sad about that, but delirious with the prospect of SIRM. I know this is where we'll find our success.

What makes me so much more certain? We'll be doing a February cycle. Guess what my due date would tentatively be? November 12th... Bill's birthday. Too sweet.

I'm drinking SIRM's kool-aid... And I'm not even a patient yet!

2008-11-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

I had my first of two RE consults today. Dr. Ahlering of SIRM out of St. Louis, MO. We did a one-hour phone consult today, and I can honestly say I've talked to him more than I have the RE we're now using. And we've been using him for almost a year.

Dr.A suggested some really great ideas for a new cycle. And some innovative technology for selecting and grading sperm prior to inseminating the mature egg. And suggested that maybe my meds weren't aggressive enough in my last cycle. I somewhat agree with that, as I was disappointed to only get 7 eggs with the last cycle.

So, we meet with Dr. Nakajima in the upcoming week. Then we make the decision about which is best. Both clinics carry about a 60% success rate (as of 2005) in my age range, even greater for our diagnosis... That makes me very happy.

I hate that it's all on Bill... The dr confirmed it today. Seems day 1-3 of embryo development is ALL about the egg... Bad egg means the embryo isn't developing. We still had all embryo's developing at day 3, which means it's not an embryo problem. However, day 3-5 development of the embryo solely rests with the sperm that was chosen to inseminate the egg. Which means it's truly a sperm issue. Which can easily be resolved with SIRM's high resolutions sperm selection with ICSI. Did I mention thats a STANDARD protocol with them? And how tickled I am about that???

I only hope Dr. N can match that.. Because I'd love to travel 1.5 hours instead of 3. One thing I've learned from this entire experience, though, is that I shouldnt be doing what makes ME comfortable, but what is the best to acheive and sustain a pregnancy... Stay tuned, our choice will probably be made by the weekend.

Just as I expected...

2008-11-17T17:48:00.001-08:00

My beta was negative. I think the nurse was more upset than I was. She just kept on saying "I really thought it was your time." Bless her heart, I love her so much!

For some reason, I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. Maybe it's because I have a plan in place. I'm a planner...

On another front, we've begun starting to look into adoption. One of my old sorority sisters does adoption law right here in KY, so it's something to look forward to. I want a child so badly that has Bill's and my attributes, to somehow see my grandparents in my child, but if thats not meant to be, it's not meant to be. God will lead us in the direction we need to go.

That definitive answer... Even though I already know

2008-11-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is beta day. The day we find out we just failed our first IVF. Success has always come easily to me, so this whole infertility process has been extremely hard for me.

In my last post, I feel I made it seem as if I didn't appreciate Dr. Gentry's nurses. In fact, nothing is further from the truth. Bill has freaked out a bit more than I ever have in our two week wait, and has called the Dr's office pretty consistantly. Tiffany has ALWAYS taken the time to talk him down, and even to call and give me support once. She's amazing, as are Bea and Tara. THAT is what is going to be so hard about leaving that practice. Them. But, there are limitations to the practice that I'm no longer willing to live with. Like I had said previously, I want more information about my cycles. I want to be totally knocked out for egg retrieval, and I want a dr. that is in the same office at all times. No hard feelings, and I hope that the office understands that.

So, back to the subject, my beta is tomorrow. I already know it's negative. I've taken two home pregnancy tests. It's so funny, there is a fertility forum that I sometimes go to that is all sunshine and rainbows. They say to not give up, that it could still happen, all the while these girls are getting positive home pregnancy tests six days after transfer. I know that everyone needs to be hopeful, but I just detest sunshine blown up my booty.

Bill's family came into town to celebrate his birthday this weekend, and I really prayed that God would give me the strength not to be upset seeing his sister in law pregnant. It honestly wasn't bad at all. I am very happy for them, but when you've been trying for as long as we have, and it comes to them in one month, it's kind of a sucker punch no matter how you look at it. And to have that knowledge, that you've just sunk over $10K into a cycle that did not produce a pregnancy... Well, it's hard and thats all I can say.

I keep on praying that God will give me the strenght to accept the outcome of this cycle, and gain courage to try again or lead us in the direction that is correct. Adoption keeps on stirring in my mind, and I actually contacted one of my old sorority sisters that does adoption law via e-mail a few days ago. Maybe that is the road we need to travel to acheive completing our family. We'll see....

I sit here staring at the Christmas tree we put up today, and am angry that I'm not pregnant. It's been a year of trying with medical assistance now. I know the statistics... Realistically, it may not happen for us. And that scares the crap out of me. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband, and to have the rock-solid marriage that we do. I want to add a child to that, and am very scared that that will never happen.

It was going so grand.... Then it WASN'T

2008-11-07T12:17:00.001-08:00

Our first IVF is under our belts now, and I can't say I'm excited now that I have my two embryo's transferred. It was all going beautifully, the cycle looked great. At egg retrieval we had 7 or 8 eggs. Not a ton, but a good enough number. The next days fertilization report was great, all 7 had fertilized. At this point, I really thought we were going to hit this time.

Until Monday, when I had the embryo transfer.... We got to the dr's office at 7:45 just as instructed, and were led back to a room for me to get undressed and put my beautimous hospital gown on. I was rocking back and forth like a mad woman, just waiting to hear how many embryos we still had cooking, and how many were blasts at that point. For those of you oblivious to this whole IVF ordeal, blasts are what you're looking for in a 5 day transfer, and the holy grail of IVF. We were hoping for 4. 2 to transfer, two to freeze for a later attempt at pregnancy.

We were led back to the transfer room without information, although we were assured we had embryos and that the dr would talk to us prior to transfer. After all, we were to make the final decision of how many to transfer! Dr. Gentry finally came in the room, and I could tell something was wrong. We only had morula's, and only two of those. The rest were still hanging on, but had greatly slowed in their development. This is not good. Dr. G asked how old I was (really, as much as he's seen my girly parts I would THINK he'd know pertinent information such as that...) and I told him 30. We decided to transfer two instead of three, because the risk of triplets absoltely freaks both of us out. With my kidney disease and our realistic outlook on our finances, we just knew that trips were unimaginable. So, we transfer two. And I'm wheeled back to a recovery room.

Then I begin to fret... Fret, fret, fret.... It's what I'm best at. I'm crying, and the other ladies that we've made "lobby friends" with come in to check on me. They had 14, and had to be coerced into freezing because they werent going to. 14 blasts... My situation is TOTALLY different from theirs! I know they're trying to help, but it just frustrated me even more at the time that they werent even planning on freezing, having a back up plan, and mine has been ripped from under my feet. It's irrational thinking, and I realize that now, but thats how I felt that day.

Bill calls Dr. G back into our room, asking if we can go ahead and transfer that third, that we're certain we should have done that now. He says no, that it could disrupt the embryo's he's already implanted. I understand that, but somehow, in my mind I can't rationalize it. I just know that third one (which, really, was of such diminished quality it probably wouldnt have survived) would be the one that implanted. IF is not based on rationality, people. LOL!

Dr. G's nurse comes in to tell us just how many people are praying for us, and that she's one of them. To put it out of my mind, attempt to enjoy the next two weeks. She SO doesnt know me! How could I possibly relax? I was so excited about this whole cycle, and just having this as my ending just doesn't work for me. I know I should see the glass as half full, but let me tell ya, I'm having a REALLY hard time doing that.

So, I do only what I can do. I plan things. Get recommendations from my friends on a different RE to see. We know we wont use Dr. G again if this outcome isn't positive. I think I need to be placed under full anesthesia for the egg retrieval due to my left ovary, and he doesn't do that. I want nurses that I can talk to, email instead of leaving a voice mail where they may or may not get back to me that day. I want to know about my embryo's BEFORE I am laying on that transfer table getting ready to put them back in so I can have some time to digest. And most of all, I want my baby...

And then I worry about, what if I actually DO get pregnant, and it ends in miscarriage? If I get a positive beta, I only get two more chances at IVF according to my insurance. Not 5 more. So, if I get a positive beta but it's chemical, I've thrown 3 IVF attempts out of the door. Then I think about having a special needs child... Some embryologists/re's think that slower developing embryo's that actually do stick end up being special needs. I am smart enough to know that we wouldn't be able to handle that. So, how would we deal with that if it happens?

I've begged Bill to let me put up the Christmas tree next weekend, and to let me get all the Christmas shopping done this weekend. I'm doing that to protect myself. Because, while, a week ago, I thought this was going to be the greatest Christmas ever, now I'm thinking I may just not emotionally make it through if we are not pregnant. And I know I'll need to look like I have it together. So I'm getting it together NOW, while I have hope rather than after the 17th, when I may not. I'm protecting myself....

And then...............???

2008-10-20T05:31:00.000-07:00

Yep, it feels like I'm in "dude... where's my car." First, let me tell you just how much I despise that movie, but thats what it feels like. Uncle has triple bypasss. SERIOUS setbacks because of his history with smoking, but then he finally goes to rehab.

AND THEN?!?!??

Possible pneumonia. Another admission to the hospital. Then the chest tube, it's not pneumonia.

AND THEN?!?!?!

He's pulled apart his sternum. Surgery again, please. Oh, and if he's shredded the bone too much? Well, we'll just have to leave him open and on a ventilator for a week or so until we can get a plastic surgeon to move some fat or muscle to replace the sternum. WHAT? Well, no it wont be as strong as the sternum, but it'll just have to do!

AND THEN?!?!?

He's out of surgery! And it's not as bad as they prepped us for. No plastic surgeon, the sternum is wired back up!

What a journey. Uncle Kenny is getting better now, and seems really committed to getting better. Totally different than last time. We can finally breathe a sigh of relief. He's fighting!

I don't know how much more I could take, especially during my stims!

Such a strange twist...

2008-10-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

My uncle had emergency triple bypass surgery on Friday. Talk about a trying time. I spent 14 hours in a waiting room without windows or updates. It was horrible. He's made it out OK, but due to some previous health issues, his weight and the fact that he smokes, it's been bad. He's still not out of cardiovascular ICU, and may not be for a couple of days. My life has revolved around 15 minute visits every two hours since Friday. It's better than waiting in that room, though.

I love my uncle. He's more like my father. I don't have one, he was *somewhat* of a substitute growing up, and has been even more so as an adult. He's the last remaining link I have to my grandmother, and as such I feel responsible for him. He's made a lot of bad choices in his life, but never have I met someone with a bigger heart. It breaks my heart that he is in so much pain and his main worry seems to be about money, the one thing I can't help him with.

He has a long road to recovery, and it looks like part of that road will include a stay in our house. My husband is the best in the world. Never once did he flinch, just simply said that we'd open our home to him. It's honestly not our responsibility, but we're the best fit for him. No children. Extra bedroom. Deluxe cable he'll love. What more could you ask for?

This past week has made me forget all about the upcoming IVF and face the possible mortality of the last elder in my immediate family. I can't say it was comfortable. I also can't say I'm ready to take the role as the elder of the Furlong family. Uncle Kenney has to get better soon, I'm not strong enough for that...

LOVE this!!!

2008-10-02T08:58:00.001-07:00

Really?!?! How much longer should I wait?!?!

2008-09-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, AF finally came after being hunted down like a wilder beast with provera. It felt as if my uterus was simply falling out last week, and I was so emotional that even Bill had a hard time living with me. I've faced it, I have one of the most amazing husbands in the world. When HE has a hard time with me, I know it's bad!

I called the Dr's office to set up my timeline for the next IVF attempt, of course having to leave a message. Tiffany, wonder-nurse of Dr. G's office called me back, letting me know I won't be able to cycle until the end of October/early November. Are you freaking kidding me?!?!!

Seriously, I had a melt-down. Bill and I have only had two real shots at conceiving this year, and that was in January and February. March the IUI was cancelled because my follicles wouldn't grow, April because of a polyp, May because of surgery, June my E2 level wouldn't go down, and at almost the end of my cycle in July/August I grew a cyst instead of follies! Really? I think we would have had more luck trying on our own at this point!

So, I'm resigned to a late October/early November IVF calendar. With an antagonist cycle this time, nonetheless. Apparently, my ovaries are just as my personality-antagonistic.

Losing one of my heros....

2008-08-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

LeRoi Moore was a founding member of the Dave Matthews Band. Probably one of the coolest sax players out there, and one of my favorite members. Most people flock to Dave, but Carter was always my first love, LeRoi being the 2nd. Maybe it was because I played sax, or because I always went for the shy guys in my favorite bands. Whatever it was, he was my guy. He died Tuesday at the age of 47 from complications he suffered in an ATV concert.
I'm not going to be one of those fans like when Lennon was killed, but it does hurt. I've been following this band for close to 15 years. I've seen them in concert oodles and oodles of times. I've bought all their cd, downloaded all the shows that interest me, and bought countless dollar of merchandise over the years. THEY are my "hobby."

I'm grieving the loss of a wonderful artist, and possibly the loss of the DMB. Who knows if they can continue? Roi was a founding member. How could you replace him? It's surreal to think that next year I may not be planning my vacation around concerts.

This article was written by Bob Lefsetz. He writes a blog that thousands subscribe to and has been doing it for years. Everyone from Kid Rock to David Grohl all the way down to music fans like you and me subscribe. Bob Lefsetz was with Coran Capshaw in LA the day LeRoi Moore passed.

I saw the Dave Matthews Band open for Phish at the Santa Monica Civic.I do what Chip tells me. He'd told me I had to come see Phish at the Variety Arts Center and I'd watched them blow up.

The DMB was his new band.I didn't know that the Santa Monica Civic had a false floor, that it was suspended in such a way that when they started playing "Ants Marching" and the college-aged audience dressed in the same exact clothing as the band members themselves erupted and started moving up and down that the floor would too. I'd never heard the number before, I haven't forgotten it since.During the break, before the headliner took the stage, I went with Chip to a side room, just east of the auditorium itself, that resembled nothing so much as an elementary school classroom, to hang out. It was there that I met Boyd, Carter and LeRoi. Maybe LeRoi, I can't remember exactly, it was fifteen years ago...

This was before Dave became not only a TV star, but a cultural icon, before his humor became widely known. They were just another band. Who kept getting bigger and bigger, whose fanbase kept growing. I followed them to the Palladium, all the way to Staples and the Hollywood Bowl. And got to know their manager, Coran Capshaw, along the way. Not incredibly well. Which is probably why he wanted to have lunch on Tuesday. To talk in an environment different from backstage.

On the way to the Peninsula, I heard "Where Are You Going" on No Shoes Radio, Kenny Chesney testified not only about Dave, but the band's drummer. I told Coran and Chip this when we sat down. Coran told me Kenny had a place on St. John too. They were buddies.It was that kind of conversation. Catching up, filling in the little details. Telling me about the status of the band. How they'd mixed it up, how they were playing better than ever before, with Tim Reynolds on the road with them and two replacements for LeRoi.LeRoi had been in an ATV accident. This I knew.

But Coran told me the details. The four-wheeled vehicle flipped over backwards upon him. He broke ribs, had a collapsed lung, his shoulder was hurt, they had him in an induced coma for a week. And three days after he came to, LeRoi checked himself out. Against the will of the doctors.And after being home, he got an infection. The nurse taking care of him had LeRoi readmitted to the hospital. Where he was on both heart and lung machines. But he pulled through.The story was told with seriousness, but no drama. There was no question, LeRoi was coming back. Certainly by the first of the year.

We started talking about other things. The challenges of maintaining a superstar act in these confusing times, ticketing, Music Today. And an hour later, the phone rang.Coran carries both a BlackBerry and a Razr. He picked up the Razr. He was listening rather than talking. And after two minutes or so, he flipped the phone closed and became wistful, let us in on his mental soliloquy.

That was LeRoi's assistant. They'd called 911. LeRoi's lips had turned blue. They were taking him to the hospital. He had a blood clot.Coran traced it back to the infection that had put LeRoi back in the hospital weeks before. He'd had a hard time fighting back. And he hadn't gone into the process in the greatest shape, he had diabetes, other health problems.LeRoi had flown to L.A. for rehab, he was staying at his house here, just miles away. Suddenly the story took on a different feel. Somewhere in the landscape visible from the Peninsula deck, this story was playing out.

Then ten minutes later, the phone rang again.But this time, the call was longer. Chip and I engaged in conversation. For the better part of ten minutes. And when Coran flipped the phone closed again, he said:"He died."A jolt just went through my body, writing this. I've never been in a situation like this before. I might have met this guy, but in a perfunctory way, I don't know him. But he's part of the lifeblood of Coran and Chip's world. And he's a human being, like the rest of us. And he's now gone.Chip put his head in his hands. Coran stared into space. I was in shock. Trying to decide the best thing to do. Feeling that I needed to excuse myself, that they didn't need an intruder, I was just about to stand when Coran got up, said "I've got to deal.", and walked off.Chip asked, WHAT NOW?

I realized that I needed to stay. As long as Chip needed to.I figured this was L.A. LeRoi had probably gone to Cedars. The news would be on the wire, on the Internet, in a matter of minutes. I told Chip that Coran was probably trying to beat the press to the punch, in addition to alerting the rest of the band.DO THEY PLAY?

I didn't know. It could go either way. Maybe they were too fucked up to play. Or maybe they'd say this is what LeRoi would do.Chip called Dan, founder of the agency. Told him and asked him the question too. The gig scheduled for that night, in Staples Center, only hours away, did it happen? Dan said what I did. Maybe, maybe not.And then it became that moment in "Almost Famous". The plane crash scene. When suddenly truth passes between human beings.

Chip and I have a deep, honest relationship, but we touched on subjects we'd never delved into before.Then, after about forty minutes, we left.In the car to Felice's house, the shock truly set in. I realized why you needed the living around you when someone passed. If you were alone, you drifted away.

Felice was on her exercise bike, watching "Oprah". I could barely speak. She realized something was wrong. I ultimately got the story out. It barely registered. How could it? You go to lunch and a band member dies, DURING LUNCH? News like that bounces right off of you, it doesn't stick.And it seemed that only Coran, Chip and I knew. I kept going online. The band's Website had not changed, there was nothing in the Google News. I was in the loop, but no one else was. This never happens in 2008, where everything is instant, where everybody knows everything all the time.I spoke with my mother. But I basically listened. I called Chip two hours later, as we'd agreed. He still didn't know whether the band would play. He said he'd call me back. A little after six, he told me to come on down.By time we got to Staples, the news had just broken.

Maybe by going to Hollywood Presbyterian, the vultures had missed the story. Ambrosia had written a press release, the news was now out, Chip's BlackBerry was going berserk.The halls were almost empty. Dave was talking to a gray-haired gentleman. There were no festivities, there was no buzz, but in less than an hour, the band would take the stage in front of thousands.

Coran's number two said the band had had a meeting, uttered "Back to the van.", their mantra, to remember where they'd come from, their brotherhood.We went to catering. Coran nodded his head, but stayed glued to his phone. It was positively bizarre.

And twenty minutes after the time on the sheet, the Dave Matthews Band took the stage.I don't know how you play under those circumstances.And being in L.A., the roar of the crowd was muted to a degree. L.A.'s jaded, everybody plays L.A., a concert here isn't just enough of an event!But the band is firing on all cylinders. Coran's checking the set list as we stand behind the lighting board, he tells me they're going to play my favorite, "The Dreaming Tree".The ten minute number calmed my nerves. Music is a magic carpet loaded with oils and other soothing potions, it's just what you need when you don't know what you need, when you've got more questions than answers.

And they played "Ants Marching", with even more ferocity than they had fifteen years before. Their cover of "Sledgehammer" had more power than Peter Gabriel's. But the highlight of the evening was unexpected, a rendition of Talking Heads' "Burning Down The House".Only played for the first time live two weeks before, the number is unmistakable. It starts with an ethereal guitar, the drum pounds and then...

"Watch outYou might get what you're after"

Whatever the audience expected, this exceeded it. I'd say the band was a freight train, but it was more like a 747, that had DRIVEN all the way from Charlottesville to Los Angeles and was burning rubber at the airport before finally coming to a rest... THE TIRES WERE SMOKING!And just like a modern jet, EVERYTHING was working. It has to in order to move. And boy was the band moving. Musically. There were no dance steps, everybody was almost rigid in his place. But Carter's arms were churning, Dave was spitting into the mic like he was seventeen, and he needed to show the bullies, who he was, where he was coming from."I'm an ordinary guyBurning down the house"This was not the hair band eighties. The members of the DMB were wearing the same clothes that had covered them backstage. They were not stars, they were MUSICIANS!There was nothing on tape, no loops, no hard drives. This night they'd had to conjure the fire from scratch. They'd had to reach down deep and do it one more time, knowing that their brother was not only gone, but was never coming back.

EVERYDAY"Pick me up, love, from the bottomUp on to the top, love, everydayPay no mind to taunts or advancesI'm gonna take my chances on everyday"The video of the hugger played on the hi-def screens. The audience sang along, knowing every word.

That's just what we've got, every day.
Until we don't.

I don't know what happens when people die. Is this really the end? LeRoi had called his business manager just that morning, left a voice mail before the crisis, did he know this was going to be his last day on this mortal coil? And the recipient of this message, he didn't receive it until after LeRoi expired.The audience was cascading in a virtual wave, going up and down in place, not the artificial arena exercise, but something inspired by the music. We were in unison.

"Jump in the mud, mud
Get your hands filthy, love
Give it up, loveEveryday"

Get up from that couch! Go out into the bright sunshine. Dial your crush and ask her for a date. It may be messy, but maybe not. Don't be somnambulant, get out of your own way, don't only embrace life, but eat it up. Everyday...

The raging B**ch refuses to come...

2008-08-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

the one and only time I want her to. We're on day 789 of this cycle (not really, but of course it feels like it. Seriously, I've not seen AF since May. PLEASE, AF, this is my OPEN invitation for you to crash my party. Please?

Called the RE yesterday, they prescribed some nifty medicine to make her show. Only problem? It can take up to 14 days to work, and seems to have some NASTY counter-indications. So I'm waiting. Come on, pretty lady, lets get this party started!

This means I'll probably be pushed into October for ER and ET. I hate that Dr. G is only here for 2 weeks and in Indy for two weeks. It really screws ME up.

Please, lord, let me be in my 2nd trimester by Christmas? That's all I want!

In other news, we celebrated my 30th Saturday (although it didn't actually happen until Sunday). All of my friends descended upon the abode to celebrate with me. It was the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER. Seriously!!!

Then, 2 days later, I get the news that LeRoi Moore (Dave Matthews Band saxophonist) passed away. I'm devastated. I've followed this band for 12 years and countless concerts. LeRoi was just as big a part of this band as Dave is. I'm unsure what will happen to the band, and I'm grieving for the loss of a great musician and possibly a great band. It's funny, even in my pregnancy/children dreams, DMB is a part of it. I bought posters of all the concerts I went to this summer to decorate the nursery. We've planned to put DMB music on my tummy to "culture" our baby (my cousins did this with Pink Floyd, and it was the ONLY way to calm Alex as a baby!) and for my ER and ET, I created a play list on my ipod of DMB songs to calm me. THAT is how much of a DMB junkie I am. It's like dreams crashing down right now.

Well, I'm cancelled...

2008-08-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

But I'm ok with it. We got the call Saturday night, but I was waiting until I'd talked to Dr. G to post about it.

It seems as though the "dingo" (what I've lovingly named my cyst) is eating all of the meds I'm pumping into my belly. My e2 went down instead of up.

So, the plan is to do a cyst aspiration Thursday, and then start a new cycle as soon as AF shows up. We'll be doing an antagon cycle this time, which DRASTICALLY cuts down the cycle time. Obviously lupron and my ovaries dont agree...

and another step back.....

2008-07-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

Ultrasound this morning. 4 cm cyst on the left ovary, which is HUGE. Waiting for Tara to call, but I already know this cycle is cancelled.

I'm over it. I don't know what direction I am going in anymore, but one I can tell you I'm DEFINITELY not going in is infertility or IVF anymore. Stick a fork in me. This crap is done.

Stepping forward

2008-07-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

My stims begin tomorrow. Along with two other pills. We're talking about 2 pills and three shots daily, people! Thats a lot of medicine for someone who only took tylenol pm before! Add to that the royal jelly/bee pollen capsule, extra folic acid supplement, dhea supplement and daily multi-vitamin, we're talking about me taking meds like I'm in my 70's!!!

I digress, though, whatever it takes to get a baby. I'm actually kind of excited to start taking these shots, it means SOMETHING is going on. No more waiting for me!

On a side note, I am going to Dave Matthews tonight, tomorrow and next Friday. I'm so freaking excited, but trying to schedule when to administer shots as well. Only me...

I've realized....

2008-07-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

That I really need to change the name of this blog. The name felt so appropriate when I'd just found out I was miscarrying. I expected to move on from the D&C, and be pregnant in three months, tops. Thats not too long to be in a holding period.

BUT.... It's been 15 months since the miscarriage. A little long to be in a holding pattern or waiting period for my life, dontcha think?!?!? I've done lots of amazing things since the miscarriage, and truly feel that I've lived my life in this time frame. I've accomplished quite a few goals, gotten closer with numerous friends that have drifted away, and cemented my family bonds much more than I ever have before.

Maybe, just maybe that miscarriage and the proceeding infertility struggles were handed to me so that I may truly learn whats really important. I think I've "got" it now, but who knows?!?!?

God, is this part completed?!?!? Please let me know if so! If not, I'll "patiently wait" for the next obstacle, the next lesson learned.

My thirtieth birthday is approaching next month, and I can honestly say I'm not dreading it. In fact, I'm sooooooo looking forward to it! I want to get all of my friends and family together and celebrate the first thirty years of my life. I want for everyone to realize that it's been pretty darn great for me, even with all of the grief, irregularities and struggles.

I received a large lesson last week that life is so precious, and if you don't live it as you should, you're making the worst mistake of your life. Bills' grandmother Margaret passed away July 3rd. She truly was a shining beacon in the family, and I loved her as my own grandmother. There is no way you couldn't. She was a spitfire, steadfast in her faith (I can't explain to you just how solid she was in her faith, it's not possible) and one of the most loving people I've ever met in my life. There is a true void in Bills and my life with her gone. We will strive to live our life with principles and faith, just as Margaret would have wished. It is our task now to carry on where she left off, and we'll do our best to do so.

One step forward, two steps back...

2008-06-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yep, this is a setback blog...

I was doing so well, I didnt even freak out when I had my blood drawn on Friday. The ultrasound was VERY uncomfortable, but not something that I'm not used to. So, when I got the call from Tara (can I just tell you again this is the nurse that I LOVE?) that my E2 level was too high, I about lost it. It's 150, and has to be 20 or less to begin Stim's. That means I'm still on the lupron, and still in a waiting pattern. I asked Tara if I should be concerned, and she said no, but of course I then googled it, and Diminished Ovarian Reserve consistantly pops up. UGH! If that is, in fact, the case, we're screwed. That generally means that I'll have crappy egg quality, and wont produce a large number of eggs. Couple that with the male factor, and we're just screwed. I'm censoring, people, you dont REALLY want to know what I'm thinking, lol!

So, now it looks like IVF wont happen until August *IF* it happens then. I go back in tomorrow for bloodwork to see where my counts are (PLEASE, God, let them be 20 or less!) and to assess the situation from there. It's just so frustrating!

It's going pretty smoothly!

2008-06-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

I must say, I feel V-E-R-Y accomplished! I've given myself my shots for a week now, with only one incident. I'm an idiot and dulled a needle, but we've moved past that! I have my first ultrasound on Friday, which I'll then get (with bloodwork, nonetheless) every other day until the 10th of July. YUCK! Whatever it takes, thats what I say. Parenthood is not for wimps, and making a baby IVF-style isnt either!

Bill and I really sat down last night and tried to calm ourselves down. We're just so dead-set that this one cycle will work, and we've got a 60% chance that it will. Still, that leaves a 40% chance that it wont, so we have to prepare ourselves for that. Can I imagine going through all these freaking shots again? NO. Can I see giving up if this doesnt work? NO. So, I will give myself ONE day to grieve if this cycle doesnt work, then get prepped for the next one.

Baby Anderson or Baby Lauren, mom and dad are making you, hell or high water.

Moving on...

2008-06-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

That seems to be the theme of all my blogs, moving on or the crushing "another setback" type of blog. Today is a moving on blog, which makes me happy.

I had surgery on the 20th to remove the fibroids. Apparently, a d&c was in need as well, so that was done. The surgery went much better than last year, and the cramping was quite a bit less. Better all around.

I began birth control pills on the third in preparation for IVF. I had my IVF class, and was VERY shocked at the amount of drugs that I'll be taking. I was prepared for the shots, but it looks like THIS will be my drug protocol:

Lupron (shot)
Birth Control Pills
Follistem (shot)
Menopur (shot)
Hcg(shot)
antibiotics
dexamethazine
estrogen patches
PIO (shot)

Umm... Can I get a breakdown of all of that? LOL!

Egg retrieval is tentatively set for July 10th, and Embryo Transfer is set for the 15th! So, just six weeks of all of this. Lets hope this works the first time!

Yet another setback...

2008-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

I had my saline ultrasound in preparation for IVF on the 17th. Dr. G found a polyp. He asked if my periods had been hard, and I got really frustrated with him. I pointed out that I had *specifically* told him that on our last visit, and he'd brushed it off to the clomid doing his job. So now, instead of preparing for IVF, we're preparing for surgery to remove the polyp. How was this NOT seen through the tons of ultrasounds and the HSG that I had? I'm just so frustrated right now.

Bill and I decided over the weekend that we wanted to do two more IUI's after the surgery. We're really torn about the thought of freezing all those embryo's never to use. That's the biggest hurdle for us. SO, we're going through all the IVF processes (class next Tuesday, thats it, I think) then we'll be much more prepared if it comes to that after those two IUI's we've agreed upon. I'm researching different protocols for the procedure right now to go armed with what type of meds I'd like to do for those cycles, and I'll be ready!

LOTS to blog about...

2008-04-15T05:42:00.000-07:00

I randomly come here, and I really need to do it more just to get this whole IF story out there. I hope, one day, my child can read this and know just how much Mom and Dad tried to make him/her.

The last IUI was unsuccessful. Never have I been so crushed. This possibly could have hurt more than my miscarriage. It's funny how we begin to "rank" our grief. Never did I think I'd grieve more than I did than when my grandmother died until that first ultrasound when I found out I was miscarrying. Then, I knew what true grief was.

So, here's what happened. I went in March 10th for bloodwork, CERTAIN that we were pregnant because I had no menstruation markers and I was a day late. I just knew that was it. I wasnt even bothered by the bloodwork, because I was just over the moon. I came back to my office, and had a stern discussion with my boss about my salary. It didnt go as expected, so I was already upset anyway.

When Bea called to tell me I wasn't pregnant, I just lost it. I couldnt believe it. I think she was quite worried about me, and cautioned me that maybe we needed to take a break. I agreed. The more Bill and I thought about it, though, the more we decided it was just wasting precious time. That big 3-0 still looms in my mind. I *need* to be pregnant, just for my own sake, by the big 3-0. I called back, and asked to begin clomid again in preparation for another IUI. Bea relented. We decided to just tell everyone we were taking a break, because publically announcing the failure was just too hard. *I* had put too much pressure on us, and I wanted to get it off of me IMMEDIATELY.

I began the clomid, and went in for my first u/s. It appeared that I had one mature follicles, two other follicles close to maturity and one follicle that probably wouldnt mature. After discussing it with Tara, I decided to hold off another two days to allow the follicles to grow, and come back in for an ultrasound. I was SO praying she wouldnt suggest triggering on Easter and doing the IUI on Tuesday, because Bill HAD to be out of town. That would have been the only day we absolutely could not do the procedure.

So, I went on my merry way on Monday to an updated ultrasound, where my world came crashing down again. What was the dominant follicle on Saturday had somehow morphed into two tiny follicles. The others hadnt developed, and the IUI was scrapped. I wondered out loud to Bea why the clomid wasnt working, when it'd worked so well last month. Her reply was "obviously, it wasnt working, because you arent pregnant." At that time, I still didnt know what happened to that dominant follicle, so I asked her what had happened with that. She shortly replied that it had a "line" separating it now, and that it was forming two follicles.

I got dressed, and told her we'd be going to IVF the next cycle. She said ok, and told me to do timed intercourse for the next week. RIIIIIIIIIGHT, that had SO been working for us before, so I held that suggestion in high regards. If I'm honest, I was a little bit miffed at her at that point for being so callous with me. I asked her if there was anything I needed to do to get prepared for IVF, and she said no.

I called the office back later in the day to see if we could immediately go to IVF, as we knew I wasnt pregnant. I was thinking I could just go ahead and start the birth control pills that I have to take to cycle (who ever thought I'd be taking BCP to get prego???) Tara called me back and said I couldnt do that, but asked if I'd had my saline ultrasound/IVF Class yet. Of course, I hadnt, and was even more furious with Bea because she'd not gotten me scheduled for those things. I made those appointments on the 24th of March, and couldnt get into those appointments until the 17th and 29th of April. Uh, thanks Bea!

So, here we are today, CD4 and my second day of birth control pills. I hate bcp, I always imagine in my mind the blood clots forming that we're so strongly cautioned against in the pamphlets. I called to try and get my IVF calendar today, and was told I couldnt get it until I had my IVF class. UGH!!! I asked Tara if I could at least get a range of dates, and was told it would be the end of May or the first of June. I'm just so ready for this. It's time for us to be parents.

"Beautiful Cycle"

2008-03-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

That is what the nurses called it yesterday when we had our procedure. My follicles on Saturday were 23mm each. This is MUCH better than last month, when our follicles were 17, 17 and 14. As the procedure was beginning, the nurse told us to be prepared for multiples. I freaked, of course, and would not let her continue until she told us what the chances were. If we have successful implantation (pregnancy) our chances of mulitples will be about 40-50%, with the average generally being about 20. I'm trying not to freak, and I know we will not be given more than we can handle.
Bill and I had made an appointment with Dr. Gentry to discuss IVF, but really thought about it and felt like now was NOT the time to talk about it. We'll talk about it if this cycle isnt successful. We both feel it is though, which is something neither of us felt last month. Please keep us in your prayers, we'll know one way or the other on the 11th.
I wasn't hopeful about this last month, but am this. I may be setting myself up for a big disappointment, but I'm thinking not.

Disappointing news about the first IUI

2008-03-04T06:35:00.000-08:00

The IUI obviously didnt work this time. I am not bummed, just ready to move on to the next month! I know we'll have our child, just not this cycle. Please don't feel badly or sorry for us, I really didnt think this was it. For some reason I think it will be next month. Of course, it would be oh-so-close to Mary Graces' due date, so I'd be freaked out the entire time, but I just have a really good feeling about next month. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
Sara

Today is the day...

2008-02-14T05:30:00.001-08:00

That I conceived Mary Grace last year. Standard cliche Valentines baby, but I was so excited about it. Bill and I had only reconciled two weeks prior, so it was quite a shock when we found out I was pregnant. Before we had separated, we'd not prevented getting pregnant for 3+ years, so when we found out we were pregnant it just seemed that all the stars were lining up for us.A year later, I've grown so much stronger I cant even believe it.

Being the brat I am though, I still cant help but question why it hasnt happened for us again yet. Overall, I am very positive, but this still crushes me sometimes when I least expect it. It's not so much that I miss Mary Grace anymore (which shocks me) but I am just ready to move on to the next step in my life. I am ready for it, and am starting to doubt it will happen.

It's getting better!

2008-01-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm getting the hang of this clomid, no random outbursts today. Just night sweats last night. And I'm on the lowest dosage! PLEASE, Lord let it work this month! I can't imagine increasing my dosage monthly, lol!

Lets recap what happens with Clomid...

2008-01-15T07:22:00.000-08:00

Bill and I will attempt our first IUI this month, the 24th to be exact. In order to prepare, I've been given a prescription for clomid. I think everyone knows its working. In the two doses I've taken, this is what has happened:

1st day: I get upset with my mother in law. Write an e-mail I generally wouldn't write, then have to write that apologetic e-mail. I cry roughly 10 times without provocation throughout the day.

2nd Day: I get angry at Bill for eating all the bread I've sliced. He gets out of bed to slice bread while I'm showering so I can make my sandwich. I then get upset with Bill for giving me sliced bread that's torn. All the while, I'm thinking in my head "why am I so upset? This is really nothing!" I'm so sorry, Bill.

I think we can see the clomid is pulsing through my emotional system, at least...

Thank God it's 2008....

2008-01-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

2007 was a year of horrible news, and awesome developments. Unfortunately the horrible outweighed the awesome, but that only means that the odds have to change this year. I had an HSG done on the 22nd of December, which showed my tubes/uterus to be in great working order. The doctor gave us the greatest Christmas gift of all (albeit a few days early) that we were perfect candidates for IUI, and would begin next month. I just started bawling on the table, and I think Bill cried as well. We stopped at the hospital gift shop on our way out and bought an ornament to commemorate the occasion. Everyone knows that I'm an ornament sap, lol. I am just patiently awaiting for cycle day 28/29 so we can move onto me taking clomid, and the insemination process. 2008 is definitely a hopeful year, and a very strong contender for making Bill and I the parents we so long to be.

Christmas Morning

2007-11-29T14:28:00.000-08:00

I felt like it was Christmas morning when we left the doctors office last night. He's given us both such renewed hope in this process, I really do believe I'll have a healthy child in 2008. I know that waiting for this child and practicing patience are going to make me love them even more, but its so frustrating after a while. I'm scared that we actually will get pregnant this cycle (I just finished ovulating) and that we wont be able to use the RE! He is wonderful, and I am so excited about the weekly ultrasounds I will get when I am pregnant. After going through that agonizing pain with Mary Grace, I just don't think I could wait 8 weeks again. It's Christmas time and Bill and I both have emotional breakdowns every once in a while. I'm angry that I don't have a newborn to cherish, that we're doing Christmas shopping and it's not for her, that we're just so frustrated with this whole process. Our lives have revolved around a 28 or 29 day cycle of agony in the past 7 months, and I am ready for it to be over. Finally, yesterday, we got to see what may be the end of the tunnel for this journey, and its empowering.

A new chapter begins today...

2007-11-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

Today, Bill and I will consult with a reproductive specialist. Yet another turn in our trying to conceive journey. I am cautiously ecstatic about this, and am certain that we will have our child in 2008. If we were to conceive this month, our childs birth would coincide with my birthday more than likely. Not something I wanted, but I've learned at this point in the game that you take whats thrown at you. It's been such a hard year, both personally and professionally. I'm just ready for it to be over. T-32 and counting. Ugh.

Charting is a bitch... and very frustrating!

2007-09-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

So, Bill and I are on our third month of ACTIVELY trying to conceive. Its such a disappointment to get those big fat negatives every month. I've just finished ovulating for this cycle, and if this isn't it, I may lose my mind. I don't see how women do it, how they continue on their trying to conceive journey month after month. I continue to tell myself that the longer I wait, the more appreciative I'll be of our future child, but this is such a test of my patience. I'm not very good in that area to say the least, so I frequently wonder if I am being tried.

Genetics are back

2007-05-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

I received news last night that the genetics were back from my miscarriage. I spoke to Dr. Melton today, and found that our baby had Turners Syndrome. Apparently, this is the most common cause for miscarriage. The baby was missing an X chromosome. The baby was a girl. When I found that out, that is when I lost it. No matter how much I thought I wanted a little boy, this would have been the girl of my dreams. Bill and I had decided on a name over the weekend, our baby girl is Mary Grace. The Mary is for mine and his grandmother, the Grace because we were graced with the presence of this pregnancy, and for the DMB song "Grace is Gone." Listen to it, and you will see why it is so prevalent to this pregnancy. It's one of my favorite songs, and a beautiful addition to the name Mary.

It is such a relief that my body didn't do this to the baby, that it wasn't the cause for the miscarriage. We can move on from this, and begin trying to conceive once again.

Today, that holding pattern moved further away.

Uncertainties

2007-05-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a week since my D&C, and it's been the first day since I've actually not cried all day. I actually went out to lunch with the girlies, laughed, actually FELT happy! DMB "Everyday" was playing on the way to work, that helped to brighten the mood as well. Life is moving on, and hopefully, in a week and one day, we can get the go ahead to move on with our attempt to conceive. I do not want to be one of those women that becomes obsessed with this journey, thus the reason for this blog. I blog frequently on my myspace site, but this is SOLELY my journal for this journey. Maybe I'll give it to my child one day so they can see just how much we hoped and prayed for them...

what a difference a week can make

2007-04-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, I was sitting at this computer checking e-mails, browsing what was on tv and pondering what would happen at our genetic counseling the next day. In hindsight, I knew something was wrong. I even told Bill so. But I didn't believe it in my own mind. As we waited to be called back for our ultrasound, I became so nervous. I am a textbook nervous person. Just ask Bill... I get agitated at whatever you say to me, and generally just want to be left alone. We get to the ultrasound room, and the tech begins the ultrasound. She states that she doesn't think that I am as far along as we think, and that she is going to attempt to do a vaginal ultrasound. I remove my clothing quickly, all the time calculating just how less far along we could be. ... I had a positive home pregnancy test on March 6, so at April 24 I knew we had to be at least 9 weeks along... Our pregnancy was dated (supposedly) at 12w2d. The tech begins the ultrasound, and begins taking pics. I believe we are safe at this point, because we had asked for pics to be taken. Bill is watching the screen and giving me a thumbs up. After what seemed like an eternity, I ask the the tech how far along it seems I am. She responds with 8 weeks... I knew from my earlier calculations that I had to be at least nine, so my next question of course was "is the baby moving?" She told me no, at which point Bill and I both lose it. She goes to get the Dr. things get blurry from there. We are ushered out the back door, as to not upset the happy moms. I feel like my body has failed me. How could it not know for four weeks that this baby was dead? A D&C is scheduled for the 26th, and I wonder how I am ever going to make it that long, knowing the baby is dead inside of me. Bill and I both try to regain our composure to let everyone know. That was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. The whole while, I kept thinking, "If we'd only opted for the u/s on our first visit like I wanted, we wouldn't have told everyone." The baby would have already been dead at this point. Things would have been easier, I think. The day of surgery, my heart breaks a little more. I wake from surgery screaming that I killed my baby. I feel so sorry for bill having to go through all of this, and I am so scared that I will never be able to have a "normal" pregnancy.