We even fail at being infertile

It was the one thing that has defined "us." Infertility. A group I "fit into." Until, I didn't.

I am 21 weeks pregnant, and I still don't think I've totally accepted it. Bill and I had just decided that we were good with one, and were going to begin the process of embryo adoption of the remaining three (which we're still pursuing, that's just a different post). To say we've been thrown a curve ball in the past six months is an understatement. While I am over the moon about this new little bundle, it's still just so overwhelming, 4 months later. Hopefully my brain will get on board by the babys' due date.

I hate being this cliche' infertile. I hate it when people tell me that my body just needed to "reset" itself. So that works for sperm, too? Bill just needed to knock me up to get his fertility back????

Most of all, I hate that I'm not representing the infertile community like I was. I'm now the cliche' every freaking infertile hates to hear about. Or, at least I did....

It's time...

Today marks the three year anniversary of the day we found out Mary Grace had passed. Three years of time in which there was profound grief and sadness, profound joy and the realization that I was my biggest advocate among a million other things.

Primary infertility was the best and the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. I think others that have "come through" to the other side after so long probably feel the same way too.

This blog was my journal through all of that, and I'm proud of it. But it's time to open a journal for the newest chapter of my life. The chapter of being a mother. If you still continue to read this blog, I hope you'll begin following me in my new journey:

www.thirdtimewasacharm.blogspot.com


And, I'll leave with one of my favorite DMB lyrics that I truly learned through it all: "Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters....."

Who AM I?!?!?

That is one thing that resonates through my entire being now. For the longest time, I was that infertile chick who was an advocate for my care. Then a pregnant infertile who walked on eggshells to make sure I stayed pregnant. Then, Claires' crazy AP mama. Which, I still am. BUT, after 5.5 months, I'm finally starting to come out of the new mother haze and I'm attempting to figure out who I am at this point. I hate even posting about this, because if there are any infertiles like me out there reading this, I'm sure there is no sympathy. It is a weird terrain I'm navigating, though, finding myself after all of this. Add to the fact that I'm suddenly a SAHM (which is TOTALLY what I wanted)on top of all the other sudden changes and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from.

I guess I'm suffering from an identity crisis right now, not really knowing where I belong, or where I even want to belong. It's such a weird feeling. I'm tackling the feelings head-on, however, and hopefully I'll find my place.

Prayers answered in the oddest of ways...

Bill and I moved heaven and earth to try to find a way for me to stay at home... Prayed about it over and over. But just didn't see a way to make it work. So, I went back to work. A few weeks after going back, the owners reduced my pay and hours by 25%. I was scared at first, but happy because it gave me more time at home with Claire.

On March 2nd, they laid me off permanently. Instead of the punch in the gut like I thought it would be, it was if a weight had been immediately lifted. I was HAPPY. Definitely not the response if you love your career and the people you work for. I am now officially a SAHM and couldn't be happier.

The only downside to all of this? We've made a year long commitment to our nanny. So, she comes to the house for me to run errands or clean. Kind of expensive! We're trying word of mouth to find another family for her, but no such luck yet.

We are fully cloth diapering now, and I love it! I'm really the odd person out in my area doing this, but I don't care. My friends think I'm crazy.

I'm getting out and about with Claire as the weather is getting better. We went to a MOPS program a couple of weeks ago, which we both loved. I'm making connections to other mothers, which is something I was lacking previously. Although we're in our 30's, we're still the only ones with kids among our set of friends.

Oh, how prayers are answered. More time with Claire, and a stronger support system for our family. All through the loss of my employment.

Firmly Grasping...

Last year was a banner year for us. How couldn't it be when you welcome a child into the world after trying so long for them? But with that came something else... Nerve wracking fear and guilt. We've had two friends (one IRL, one blogging friend) lose children through adoption. We've had a set of friends struggle with meningitis with their son who is one week older than Claire. Friends who have had late-term miscarriages, and friends who have had children born with life-threatening medical conditions that they didn't know about before hand.

Through all of these trials, I hold Claire just a little bit tighter. I panic just a little bit more. And I wonder just how we were so blessed and lucky. And then I cry. Cry, cry, cry. It seems to be what I'm best at these days. I think there is always a heightened sense of fear when you've battled infertility and miscarriages, but to see this continued grief amongst your friends, it makes it even worse.

Please know if you're mentioned in this blog, I pray for you daily. Hourly, sometimes. It's the only way I know how to get through it. And believe. I'll never stop believing that we'll all have our children one day, and that those children that are so sick will be healed soon.

79 Days

That is the amount of time that I was given to spend with Claire before returning to work today. It's been a wide range of emotions bordering on hysteria, but I'm doing it. 11 months ago today she began to snuggle safely into my uterus. While I know that I am more fortunate than most to be able to take 12 weeks of unpaid maternity leave, it still hurts. We did hire a nanny, however, so I know she's getting the best care possible, and in our home!

Just a few pictures:


Oh So Tired!


99% Nice, but 100000% loved!



Bath Time Wrap Up:



Oh, and the breastfeeding is DEFINITELY working now! She's 12 lbs 3 oz as of yesterday. So, by 13 weeks or so, she should DOUBLE her birthweight! Way to go, baby girl!

Claire Grey Evi---

Claire Grey Evi--- made her beautiful entrance into the world October 30, 2009 at 10:24 pm. Full head of hair, wonderful set of lungs and no prouder parents in the world. Unfortunately, I ended up with a c-section after laboring most of the day. Never got past a 5. The dr related it to her literally GRIPPING onto my pelvic bone. there was NO way she was coming out unassisted, lol!

Nothing could prepare me for the love we feel for her. Nothing could prepare me for how hard breast feeding would be either. It was HORRIBLE for the first three weeks or so, until we both finally caught on. Seriously, it was making me insane. I just wouldn't give up though. I'm hoping we've made it over the hurdle.

I can't imagine going back to work. How am I going to leave this child? I rarely put her down. I deserve to "spoil" her (oh, the unsolicited parenting advice new parents hear...). Still trying to figure out the details on this situation...

I'll update more with pics later, this new parent thing is time consuming! I wouldn't trade it for the world, however.

Claires deets: 6 lbs 6 oz, 19.5 inches long. One month later: 8 lbs 8 oz, 21.5 inches long!

My last day as a pregnant woman....

Just a quick update.... After a gnarly blood pressure reading, I am being induced tonight at 8 p.m... Dr. tried for Tuesday when the BP issue was discovered, but apparently there are just too many "ice storm" babies. I hate it when people comment that that is what Claire must be... If only it were that easy!!


If you are on my facebook page, please don't say anything. We're letting this be a "surprise" to get overbearing family out of the room. We'll let everyone know whats going on when I ve begun to push.

Say some prayers!

Update

Wow… I’ve been SO out of the loop lately! I was chosen to serve as a juror for a federal case, which meant traveling out of town (roughly a 45 minute commute each way). It’s weird just how something like that can throw you off of your schedule! And it was a TWO WEEK trial. Medical negligence. FOUR defendants. I know more than I ever could about herpes simplex type 1 viral encephalitis than I ever cared to. Heck, I didn’t even know what it was until a few weeks ago! So, here are the “bare necessity” updates:

As of today, I am 35w4 days. I cannot believe she’ll be here so soon.

I have successfully found the last foster dog a home. In New Hampshire, nonetheless. Gotta love google!

I have 22 meals stockpiled in the freezer so I don’t have to cook every night of my maternity leave.

I finally broke down and hired a cleaning person to do the house. I just couldn’t clean it anymore, and I was tired of stressing out about it. It’s the best $35 I spend every two weeks!

I have 12 working days until maternity leave. WOOT!

I’ve just recently started really having aches and joint pain. I know it’s all for a good reason, but REALLY? I so miss REM sleep.

I now roughly get up a minimum of 5 times a night to use the restroom. I hear it’s only going to get worse…

I ended up in L&D last Thursday…. Contractions, UTI and dehydration. Yep, I’m taking it easy now…

Overall, this pregnancy has been SO easy besides the first 16 weeks, which was all day morning sickness. It’s still surreal to believe that I’ll have a daughter soon. It just doesn’t feel real. I’ve made all of these preparations, I feel her kicking, but something just hasn’t set in. It’s odd.

H1N1 has become the bane of my existence. Do I get the vaccine? I’m teetering back and forth. I’m already considered in the compromised population because of my kidney disease, but being pregnant doubles the risk. I just worry about what it’ll do to Claire, honestly.

Also, my hospital has enacted a rule that expectant mothers are allowed one support person (Bill) and two visitors the ENTIRE stay. And they can’t be interchanged. That doesn’t work so well when you have divorced parents like Bill does. Easy for me, it’ll be my Aunt Sandy. But for him, it’s excruciating. I finally told them we’d make THEM decide. Neither one of us needs that stress right now. UGH! It really does just make it harder on us, though, because we will have more people at the house now after we come home. Bill and I think we’ve come to a decision on that one as well, though. An “Open House” for everyone to come in, see her, her room, us, etc. For 4 hours the weekend after we come home. Hopefully that way we’ll be able to get some rest. Hopefully.


I still can’t believe we’re at this point! I never thought we’d get here. At this time last year, I was preparing for IVF 1.5. I am so grateful for this wonderful blessing!!!

And, lastly, a pic of me at 34 weeks 1 day. Everything I wear has to be empire waist, or I just look like I have a REALLY big muffin top. I so wanted that pregnant belly, but I’m resigned to the fact that it’s just not going to happen. Whatever, my kiddo is still in there!

Gratitude

Somehow, some way I’ve created the life I’ve always wanted. That just smacks me upside the head occasionally. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks/months (doesn’t everyone?) but I always come back to that one thought: I created the life I always wanted.

I was the product of a single-parent family. Scratch that, I was the product of a NO parent family. Graciously, my grandmother and aunt stepped in to make sure that I received the parenting that every child deserved. As I approach labor and delivery, I often think of how much my grandmother sacrificed just to bring me into her home. She was 55 for goodness sake, and just getting ready to enter into retirement. I’m SURE a newborn wasn’t in her plans. People often ask when I went to live with my grandmother, and my reply is always “around the time I was three days old.” I didn’t go home with my mother; I went home with my grandmother. She was a rock for me, and somehow, someway, she made me feel like our situation was the norm. So much so that, when I was taunted in the sixth grade lunch line about not having a father, it was the first time I realized that I was “different.” It’s just amazing that I could feel so loved and nurtured that I’d never known that I was different.

Since that fateful incident in the lunch line, I’ve sworn that I would not be a single-parent. Do I think there is something inherently wrong with being a single parent? Of course not. Some pull it off beautifully, my cousin Keith being a prime example. It was just never the life I wanted. I remember toasting on my 21st birthday the fact that I’d broken the cycle. My bio-mother was in labor with me on her 21st (to which she’d never let me live down, the fact that I had “ruined” her 21st birthday). Everything is just so grossly different from the way she “did” things, and I am eternally grateful for that.

I know some of you are reading this and thinking “wow, she really has issues with her bio-mother” but in fact, I don’t. I realized long ago not to give her that power. This woman abused all facets of the social service system, never granting my grandmother custody because then she couldn’t get Section 8, food stamps, welfare, etc. I remember, after my grandmothers heart attacks when I was 14, my mother refused to care for me. I went to my aunts. While my grandmother and I were struggling to find food for dinner, my mother was receiving my benefits that allowed her to live what she considered her “comfortable” life of freebies. Eventually, I learned to accept that she was never going to grow up, and was not emotionally mature enough to take care of herself, let alone nurture a daughter.

But me? I’m different. I will NEVER not be there for Claire, or for our future children. I like to think my grandmother instilled that in me. I’m thrilled that Claire will grow up knowing both of her parents, and having them both there to nurture her throughout her life. Sometimes I wonder if she’ll know how fortunate she is. Just how hard we worked for her, and just how blessed she is to have the parents and extended family that she has. Because this life I’ve created? I could have never done it without our family and Bill.

....and so I asked Bill, "whose love for animals do you think Claire will get? Mine or yours?"

I'm having a very emotional day today. It's been a rough week in the Humane Society world here locally.

A local man took three dogs out to the river bottoms here, and shot them point blank. Killed one, one still hasn't been found (very likely they are dead) and one badly wounded from a direct shot to the face. She's a survivor, though, and should make it through. It doesn't end there. The man was a convicted felon (child sexual offenses) and when officers attempted to pull him over, he fled. He was chased for about 10 miles before he veered into a semi, killing himself. Full cooler of beer in the truck, along with the gun used to kill the dogs.

Who does this? Seriously? The humane society is RIGHT.THERE. Free of charge to surrender animals if you are a resident.

As I progress further along with this pregnancy (month 7 officially begins today! YAY!!!!) I find my compassion for animals grow even larger. In the past month, we've had two foster dogs. One is currently keeping my feet warm right now. I'm kind of the "angel" for black dogs. They're the most overlooked. The most euthanized. The director knows she can always call me, and I'll take them if it's their last day. It's just who I am. I'm not naive enough to believe that all dogs are house dogs, but the good ones are far too often put down, abused, neglected.

There was another dog brought to the shelter this week, Fuel, who was so emaciated we're all unsure whether or not he'll make it. I'm betting he was a BEAUTIFUL large black dog. And he has such love in his eyes. I just don't get how someone could purposefully be abusive to animals like that. JUST. DON'T. GET. IT. The foster we have now is cute as can be as well. 5 months old. Yet to have heard her bark. An absolute joy to have around. You can tell she just *needs* to be with children. But she's scared to death of my husband, which pretty much indicates that she had a male abuser. Again, who does that to something so helpless?

I'm sure Bill thinks I've jumped off the deep end. Since the 5th month of my pregnancy, we've had three different fosters. I talk to EVERYONE asking them if they want a dog, even the worker in the drive thru at Subway. Thats how I get them adopted. He keeps on saying this is the last, but is always so wonderful when I bring the next home.

I hope, for Claires heart, she gets her daddy's love of animals. Just enough, but not insane, as it looks like I've become lately.

Please, if you have the room, go adopt an animal from your local shelter or rescue mission. I PROMISE for every bit of work you have to put into it, you'll get a minimum of four times the joy. Especially if you go get a big black one, lol.

Memorializing the "bad" anniversaries....

As Bill and I were driving back from Indianapolis on Sunday, it hit me.... It was one year to the day that my first IVF cycle had been cancelled. Because of not being monitored closely, I'd grown a 40MM cyst instead of follicles. I was crushed, and not at all sure that we'd even continue on with A.R.T. because of all the issues and roadblocks we'd had so far.

Funny thing is, I got the call my cycle had been cancelled while driving back from a Dave Matthews Band Concert. And that is EXACTLY what I was doing on Sunday as well.

It amazes me how we, as women, can bounce back from all of the roadblocks, setbacks, deadends and make this happen. How it takes some much longer than it took me. At the embryo transfer, I kept on telling my nurse "I don't know how many more of these I have left in me." I truly meant it. It's exhausting, both mentally and physically. Memorializing the bad anniversaries are so much sweeter when you have something great (Claire) to replace it. For all of those that are without, however, I know that your great is coming.

Claires nursery, a work in progress!!

We've been working on it for 15 or so weeks now. It *should* be perfect, but I've literally been taking it one step at a time!

First, a picture of our gorgeous little girl at the gender ultrasound:


Her new recliner (that WE'LL probably get the most use out of!):



See all those totes on the left hand side? Those are clothes sorted by size!



And... All of her clothing "sets." This is just the 0-6 month stuff. The kid has more clothes than I and Bill have at this point! Please note the Steelers snow suit to the right, Bill's one true love of Claires wardrobe!



So... It's all coming along. I really think we could take her home if we were to have her today (in terms of baby gear) if we just had a stroller and car seat. Oh, and a rug for the floor, lol! Making curtains soon, they're BRIGHT (and that's putting it mildly).

Well... I can check off my first trip to L&D

Is there an option for that in the baby books? We're horrible, and haven't bought one yet. Given that I'm almost 23 weeks, I don't think it's happening. Something for Claire to tell the therapist one day about her neglected childhood...

Anyway, the past week has been stressful. I had a deposition that lasted 4 hours on Thursday for the last company I worked for (owners are bickering) and 5 minutes before leaving for said deposition, my boss calls me to tell me that the health insurance is changing effective August 1st. WHAT?!?! We've already met the out of pocket and deductible for the year with Blue Cross. There is NO WAY in the world we can afford another 3-5K deductible to have this kiddo. Seriously, what a way to stress out a pregnant woman! Especially with a 3 day weekend for me to worry worry worry about it. I love my OB, and couldn't imagine having to change that, or the hospital I am using. I worried that pregnancy would be a pre-existing condition, that we were getting an HMO, etc. Everything is still in the air about that, but I've calmed down considerably.

Monday, I had it set in stone that we were painting my new office. My company is moving locations, and my new office has crappy, dreary wall paper and paneling. Something I felt I just couldn't live with. So, I bought the water-based paint (as the OB told me I could) and we went to town. I felt "off" that morning, but just thought it was because my belly was growing and I was tired...

Boy, was I wrong. I got home and laid down, but began bleeding. I freaked. Couldn't breathe I was freaking so much. I called my OB, and she asked me to go to triage. Of course I had no idea what that meant, so she had to explain it to me and where it was. Just a different part of the hospital, but still...

Bill and I rush over there, I'm hooked up to monitors, and we immediately hear Claires heart beat. What a WONDERFUL sound! They were amazed, with how early I am, that she cooperated so well. We tested for a kidney infection, to no avail. Then, they started talking placental abruption, shortened cervix. I started crying again. The nurses were so great! I'm sure they get tears all the time, but they made me feel so safe and that my fears weren't valid, that Claire would more than likely be in distress if there was a placental abruption.

I then was asked to go to the ultrasound room, where we saw the most amazing thing in the world. Awesome placenta, no shortening/thinning of the cervix. And my baby girls face in 4D. Of course I cry again, for a combination of everything being ok and seeing her sweet face. She's gorgeous, but I could be a bit biased.

Official diagnosis? UNKNOWN. Dr. Ramsey wanted to put me on bed rest, but after I PLEADED and told her about the painting, she relented. I have no disability insurance, we're still saving like mad-men for when Claire comes (no maternity benefit either) and this would kill us. Like living in the street kill us. It truly made me realize that I HAD to take it easy for the next 15 weeks or so, and that there is a good possibility I could end up on bed rest. UGH!

She likes the "juice..."

Warning to all pregnant, or even not pregnant women...

POISON IVY IS MISERABLE. Especially if you're very sensitive to it.

It's been a rough week. I really tried to ride out the poison ivy, but when I woke up Friday morning, I could barely open my eyes the swelling was so bad. I had a mini panic attack, then promptly took myself to the dr to get a steroid shot. Not without first discussing it with my OB, however.

Let's just say... Claire likes the juice. Who knew it would take a steroid shot to feel my first real kick? It was the most amazing thing ever! And, I've not felt it since, but I can't wait until I do.

Claire now officially has the nickname "juice." Lets hope she finds it as funny as her dad and I do.

No, Grey is NOT for Grey's anatomy!!!

Can I just tell you how many times THAT has been my reply to Claires' middle name since we filled everyone else in on what her name was?

Seriously, people, do you really think I'd name my child after a Dramatic TV series?
Give me more credit than that! She gets her middle name from Dave Matthews Band. Specifically, the song that got me through so many bouts of IF depression, and what helped me move on when Bill and I were separated. We had decided beforehand that Grey would be the middle name whether we were having a boy or girl. Quite frankly? Bill and I both LOVE the name Claire Grey, and I was just going to be furious if it was "wasted" on a boy. Yes, I realize this is a "hippie" thing to do. I don't care. Get over it, suck it up. It's our chance to name a child...


Only one person has reacted negatively to the name, and I really expected her to. What I DIDN'T expect was that she'd hate the name Claire as well. Oh well, she had her children, and was allowed to butcher their names if she so chose, this is OUR chance to butcher a name!

What do you do when you get EXACTLY what you want????

That is what I kept on thinking about after our gender scan today. We have been SO blessed throughout this journey, and it just keeps on getting better.

I know it’s horrible to wish for a certain gender, but I did. I’ve wanted a little girl so badly, for so long. Today, my wish was granted. Was she stubborn? Yes. But after squats, jumping up and down in the restroom, using the restroom and a VERY patient ultrasound tech, we found out that Claire Grey E—will be making an appearance in November.

It’s so weird, because my life is EXACTLY what I’ve always wished for. A rock solid marriage, blessed beyond belief with family and friends, and a perfect little girl to add to the mix now.

Life is great, and wholly unexpected…

To answer the question, what do you do when you get exactly what you want? This is what I did: Thank God over and over, and continue to do it daily, hourly and by the minute.

Maternity overload....

Bill and I had planned to begin our registries yesterday. I had already told him that, as to not be overwhelmed, we'd do it an hour at a time over a few weeks. Hence the reason to begin so early.

So, off to BRU we go. WOW. Just, WOW. I knew baby stuff was expensive, but I guess I didn't realize just how expensive it is. I feel guilty asking friends and family to pay these outrageous prices, it's almost like I am holding them hostage. Bill convinced me it's what is needed, however, and we just have to suck it up.

There is a local furniture store here that has been in business for almost 125 years. It's where everyone goes to get their furniture,and the business has a reach of about a 200 mile radius. There was this rocker recliner I fell in LOVE with in the store in January, but it was chocolate with small aqua polka dots. Of course, at the time, I wasn't even cycling, so there was no way I was buying it. Of course we go to check if they have a chocolate/pink fabric for a girl, and of course they don't. I had to control myself from crying. I really am more emotional than usual lately, but this is something I'd been wanting for the baby before there even was a baby. Bill finally persuaded me to choose another fabric, so we're good to go once we know what we're having.

Then, we did daycare tours. I wanted to do an unannouced visit to see what they were truly like. Boy were my eyes opened. Of course, there are only two daycares that will even accept our child when we need it, so it was slim pickings to begin with. The first one, just horrible. I have some childcare background experience, as one of my first positions out of college was with a Childrens Advocacy Center that had a state funded crisis care nursery with it. I know the policies and procedures. This daycare was HORRIBLE. Steps without railings, kids wondering around the center, we went into the center in a wrong door, and no one greeted us. The nursery teacher had on her shoes, we didn't have to take off our shoes, and she wasnt watching the two crawling babies on the floor while we were speaking with her. Neither was her assistant. I know I am a bit of a clean freak, but really, shouldn't a daycare be the same if not better? This place was D.I.R.T.Y... No other way to explain it. No structure, and on our way out, there were teenagers YELLING at kids. I left a sniveling mess, telling Bill that I WOULD NOT be going back to work if this was the only option for my child.

Bill talked me down from the ledge, and we went on to the next daycare center. PHEW!!! Security entry. Take your shoes off. Here is the schedule, foods, activities for the YEAR. Cleaner than my house. Elderly lady in the nursery that is AMAZING. Oh, what a difference! But, there is a hitch... There are two nurseries with the same name (owned by the same person) and I'd inadvertently put my name on the OTHER daycares waiting list. The director was sooooooooooo nice, though, and got us on the list for hers, even putting us in for when it's needed. Crisis averted.

You'd think the maternity/parenting planning would end there, but hey, we're talking about me. The belly is starting to get "fluffy." I'm resigned to the fact that due to being overweight to begin with, I'm not going to have one of those pretty round bellies. I'm ok with that, but I need some new clothes. We go to motherhood, and I start trying on clothes with the "bump" they have in the changing room.

OH.MY.GOSH. Is that really what I'm going to look like? LOL! It was cute, but overwhelming at the same time. I found a swimsuit and a shirt that I liked, but of course I couldn't commit, as there is a no-return policy with sale items, and we ALL know that is the only way I shop, lol! So, I have to think about it.


We needed to register at target too, so I told Bill lets do it. This is where things begin to get really hairy. My back is starting to hurt. A torrential rain pours, so we can't leave. We actually did get a lot of things we needed, but I was just done. Thats a whole lotta planning in a short amount of time. My back hurt, I'd not had dinner, and it was almost nine. Time for planning phase to end for the day.

We got our crib put together Sunday, some furniture moved out of the nursery (what used to be my reading room). We're full speed ahead for this kiddo. Six more days until we know pink or blue!

Finally an aunt...

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law became full-fledged parents at 9:53 p.m. last night. Liam Porter E--- was born after roughly 16 hours labor. Pretty good, I think, for a firstborn???

I went through a wide range of emotions yesterday, just as I am sure they did. I am so excited to be an aunt, as it's something I never thought I'd be. I'm an only child, and I guess it just never occured to me that I could be an aunt through Bill. But I am....

Liam is gorgeous, and I am so excited for the family. If I'm honest with myself, though, I'm just a tad bit embarrased that we couldn't have the firstborn. That we had to try for two years to get where we are now. It seems like I teeter between that thought, and the thought that this child I'm carrying now is EXACTLY what we were created for. It's a weird, twisted group of feelings when infertility is involved, I guess.

I can't wait until it's our turn, that we're in L&D ready to meet our child. Babysteps first, though, and maybe we'll get some "training" with Liam, lol! We find out June 9th what the gender is, and I think that is when it'll really become "real" for me.


Welcome to the world gorgeous, beautiful Liam!

A different set of standards

That’s what my husband feels like he’s always been held to. He chalks it up to being the firstborn. I guess I just don’t get that because I’m an only child. Or maybe because I understand the dynamics of my family, and even eight years later, I’m still learning his.

Bill’s mother called last night to tell us that there was going to be another baby in the family. Of course we were a bit confused, as Bill’s brother and sister-in-law will be delivering within the month (within the WEEK if Teri has anything to do with it, the poor girl is MISERABLE) and we’re due in November. Honestly, on that side of the family, we’re the only ones in marriages that are at the age/stage of life for children. So, Bill guesses both of his aunts, which Vicki quickly shot down. Then he guesses his aunts children that are still in High School (really, we’re pulling at straws here. I’m in bed; it’s late and JUST TELL US ALREADY!!!). It’s a cousin that’s not at all on her feet, has a 12 year old son, and is spastic in her family visits and life in general. Said cousin is due in September. It’s a girl. And the family is just now finding out?!?!?

Of course, we’re a bit dumbfounded, and don’t know what to say. And Vicki gets really upset about that. So we’re talking and I ask “who’s the father?” To which Vicki brushes over and says she doesn’t know, that it doesn’t matter.

IT DOESN’T MATTER????

This is the same woman that detested the fact that my husband was friends with someone that came from a single-parent family. Her exact words, as quoted by Bill, were “that’s trashy, and shouldn’t be condoned. I don’t want my children around that.” Why, now, is it ok? I guess that hits a little close for me, as I am a product of a single-parent family. There is a special place in my heart for single parents that are actually trying. I don’t feel that this cousin is. Everything is someone else’s fault. Her life is ruined because of X, X and X.

I just live my life differently. I feel, at some point, we are responsible for our own lives and have to move on from the past. Everyone has problems, some to a greater extent than others, but it is our choice, our WILL to move on from the pain and reemerge better and greater. Things have always worked like that for me, and I really feel it’s because of that attitude.

I’m worried about this child, just like I worry about her older child. How does a child thrive in so much turmoil? And why, exactly, are we held to such a different standard?